The Momma Cry

Why do I feel like some days are more exhausting than others? Sunday was a perfect day. We went to the zoo and out to a late lunch with my inlaws and Autumn did fabulous. It was such a blessed day. My husband didn't come with us because he had to work. Maybe it was the fact that I had extra help with her or she was in a better mood than usual, regardless, it was a great day overall. Yesterday was good up until 7pm when my sweet and most of the time, happy girl, couldn't stop crying for the life of her. Now this is the most frustrating part of the delayed speech: not knowing what was wrong with her and playing "the guessing game". This went on for hours. My "Velcro child" was back in full swing. She fell asleep on me in the rocking chair but as soon as I moved her in her room, awake and full bloody screams. I couldn't even put her down to pee without her screaming. I felt so bad for her because I know she wants to be able to express what she wants and what's wrong but she still struggles here. During the midst of this all and she finally layed down without screaming (next to me of course), I started to cry. And here we go again with another "poor me" moment.

I cried out of pure frustration. Frustration because I am 100% responsible for this sweet child of mine, her progression, the house, the things that revolve around the house, the dog,  and in the midst of it all, trying to find some time for me and looking for another counseling opportunity because we need the extra income. I've been feeling emotionally drained, which is why Sunday was so welcoming because I wasn't 100% the one doing everything to keep my daughter happy. I had help and this help, even though I am extremely stubborn and bring a lot of stress onto myself, was refreshing and welcomed. So why was I crying if the previous day was a perfect one? Tired as well. Getting up when the roosters wake up and going all day with barely any breaks has seriously worn me out. I love this beautiful weather we've been having but that equates to kiddo wanting to be outside for "hours". That's well and good, but I can't just let her play outside by herself. I have to be out there with her and I can't forget about Leah too. At least it's good exercise right? By the time 9pm rolls around, I'm falling asleep on the couch. That used to be my "me" time and now I can barely converse with my husband or watch a tv show without closing my eyes. Either I need to start drinking more coffee or eat some spicy foods to keep me awake. 

Another reason I cried because, and this is me going back to basics here, in those moments of pure meltdowns (from her and now from me), I realized something that so many people take for granted who don't have special needs children: my child will be three in less than three months from now and still, she can't tell me what's wrong. We still don't have back and forth conversation and most of all, and THIS IS WHY I CRIED, the loss of time that myself and many other special needs parents face, when we weren't able to experience the full effect of something such as the sweet sound of our child/children's voices at two. Okay I know what some may be thinking: "she's talking and saying words, she's made great progress, why be upset?". There's a difference between talking (back and forth conversation) and identifying things. It hit me like a ton of bricks that yes, my daughter is saying more words, but we haven't had a conversation together yet and as much as I can "pretend" that things like this doesn't bother me, that she is getting there, it still hurts at the pit of me because of that loss of experience we haven't had together as of yet. 

I am trying my best to stay positive with hope and I know there will come a time when we do have our conversations about life, love and everything in between. However, I can't help but long for some of this to start happening soon. It's just a harsh reality that "soon" takes lots of time, practice and work. Ugh why can't some things be easier than others? Then I think of a great movie line: "It's supposed to be hard...If it wasn't hard everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great." (Can you guess the movie?). Maybe Jimmy Dugan is right. Deep breaths, exhale, better now. I got this. Thanks for letting me vent. After I exhaled, we looked right at each other and in that moment I knew that she felt the same way too. Then I picked her up, said I was sorry, held her, and we both fell asleep right after that. Maybe all she needed was some love and cuddles from her momma? I know I needed them from her and thankfully she returned the favor.

Xoxo,

Trish 

Autumn wanting to put the deer food back into the machine lol she's something else!