The Blame Game

As Autumn naps in the car while I wait outside the grocery store, I figure I might as well use this time to share about something that I can't help but feel obligated to do so as I know many parents with a "special needs" child may feel or have felt this way before. 

The following are questions that plagued my brain over the course of the past few months:  "Why God? Why her? Why us? Why does she have Autism? What did I do wrong? Is it my fault? I feel like it is!"

I would often think to myself that I did everything right while pregnant. Took the best prenatals, ate healthy, exercised, heck, I was preparing my body for pregnancy six months prior to getting pregnant! At one time, I couldn't help but become disappointed and overwhelmed with guilt as well as pain for feeling like I caused her to develop Autism somehow. Whether it was a genetic mutation (recently read elsewhere) or not, I blamed myself for so long that I was in such a negative rut that it paralyzed me to enjoy the present. I put Autumn's diagnosis on me and only me, as if her having autism was a reflection of poor parenting and again it felt like I failed her.  Once her diagnosis sunk in, I continued to blame myself like I could've prevented it from happening. Like trying to stop a car accident from occurring as a passenger. Yet the above was "crazy talk". It is!! I know this now! I sounded so full of crap and feeling sorry for myself for something I know the I didn't cause. It just is and despite trying to avoid her becoming autistic with delayed vaccinations, organic homemade babyfood, practicing many attachment parenting techniques, and being her one and only caretaker 95% of the time, she was born this way.

I've learned, and yes this is from John Lennon, "life happens while you're busy making other plans", couldn't be more true here. I had to go through the grieving process to get to the point I am currently at in my life in regards to Belle's diagnosis. Now will I ever re-experience some of these feelings? Sure. I'm an imperfect human. I will have my moments.

So over the course of the past seven months, I went through the five stages of grief regarding Autumn and her diagnosis as the following:

Denial: "No this isn't true, she'll grow out of it. Autism doesn't run on my side of the family. She'll be fine. It's her ears."

Anger: "it's Matt's fault. It's my fault. I hate this life. Why? Why? Poor me pity party. It's bullshit that other people can just have kid after kid and they're perfectly fine. Thanks a lot God, this isn't fair! Stop bitching about your normal kid, I'll trade you any day!" Lots and lots of anger I had. 

Bargaining: "I'll do anything to get that first year back, I shouldn't of had that epidural, I should've Breastfed her longer. If I get her as much therapy, give her all of my time, attention, put my career on hold to focus on raising her, then she will have to grow out of some of her symptoms. It can happen right?! After all, I caused this so I have to fix it myself, no help from anyone. She's my responsibility." (I am a stubborn ass I know). 

Depression: "I don't want to be around anyone right now. No one "gets it", I feel isolated and alone. I can't even look at other normal children without feeling upset. Can't believe this is my life, her life, our lives. I am sad, I feel hurt and pain. I feel like a failure." 

Then finally the last, Acceptance.

This, my friends, is where I'm currently at regarding Autumns diagnosis and the journey were on together. I'm learning to accept this life and how the plans I had hoped for my daughter have indeed changed, but a change that's uniquely perfect for us three (four if you count Leah). 

So what if she never does things like "everyone else". So what if it takes her longer to communicate or if she's obsessed with the alphabet rather than a silly plastic doll. So what if she would rather prefer to watch signing time or pocoyo for the thousandth time over a cute Disney movie. So what if we may never be able to take her on fancy vacations or have her be a part of a structured class because frankly right now,  I have to tell myself this daily, she's only 32 months and has the rest of her life to grow into the person she was born to become (Talk about being irrational as a parent and setting expectations too soon).

I'm learning to not rush the above and to embrace each and every moment with my daughter and to not compare her to everyone else, which has been my biggest challenge to date. She is my one of a kind, a perfect match for me, and even if her Autism was caused by my genetics or some environmental factor, it is what it is now. It's not something that's crippling. Sure, she will be faced with challenges and just to excel at certain tasks may be more difficult in comparison to other children, but I will be there the entire way standing next to her. She will never walk alone.  

Lately, I've been hearing this a lot from others: God only gives us what we can handle. I am sure the saying is true for each one of us. Sure, my raising a child newly diagnosed with Autism may seem like a challenge to some, but it isn't my entire life. If God felt like I was up to this challenge, well God you must think we're worthy enough to have been able to take care of such a special child. You see the light she's brought into our lives and despite all of the tough moments, the good always prevails. But isn't this parenting in general? Parenting for all? I am no special or different from the rest. I'm learning that. I am just a mom to a little girl who happens to be slightly different from the status quo. 

Once I went through the motions of acceptance, I've learned that there's no going back. No more questioning the "what ifs". I am done torturing myself with such irrational thoughts and beliefs and I should know better than to do this. There will be no more putting the blame on anyone as to why Autumn has Autism.  There's only love, acceptance and moving forward towards tomorrow. 

One of my favorite lines sayings lately is the serenity prayer, which is used often in AA but it can be applied to life in general: 

"God gave me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Why change this beauty? She's already changing on her own terms. 

Here's to tomorrow. 

Xoxo,

Trish 

The Sleep Confession

The loss of the one-hour yesterday really messed up Belle's sleep schedule. She woke up at 6:45 (5:45 old time) and took an hour nap in the car around 3pm (2pm old time), but here's the kicker, she didn't fall asleep asleep until after 10:30 close to 11pm last night (old time 10pm). To some, so what, no big deal right? I wouldn't have cared if she didn't wake up twice screaming crying as if she had a nightmare and there was really no way to console except hold her and shush her back to sleep.

This waking up in the middle of the night to the point of vomiting has become a weekly thing in our house lately. Not sure if this is normal for most, but her getting sick always makes me nervous. It's also frustrating because, like I said before, I don't always know why she's upset or what is wrong. 

When we have a night like last night, I find myself having her sleep with us for the night despite how uncomfortable I sleep, because I want her close so that I can truly keep an eye on her "just in case" she wakes up screaming and purging.

Which brings me to the Topic of the Day: Cosleeping, my sleep confession. 

I'm not ashamed to admit that Autumn slept next to me, in our bed, for the first 18-20 months of her life. Then she slept in her crib, right next to me, until she was 27 months old with middle-of-the-night wake ups of me moving her into our bed out of shear comfort. Even now at 32 months today (Happy 32 months baby girl), she ends up in our bed a few times a week, mainly because I want her there.  

Attached much?! Yup. I am. I can't help myself.

Before Autumn was born, I never ever thought I would let her sleep in bed with us. I just assumed that the baby stays in their crib, in their own room, and when they are hungry or awake, you would hear them on the monitor and get up and take care of them. I had no idea what I was truly in for. Cosleeping started off as being a selfish act because the only way my newborn would sleep more than three hours between feedings was either next to me, on me or in my arms, and next to me in her rock and play sleeper. Since I was the only one getting up with her to feed her, I needed my sleep as well and so began a journey I swore I would never do while being pregnant. Also, Matt had/has no say in her sleeping with us bc he doesn't wake up with her and hasn't ever since she was born unless I yell at him for help when she's sick. He also gets his bed space so it doesn't affect him like it does my side of the bed.

I also had this bout of anxiety regarding her sleeping alone at night. Worried that what if she chokes on her spit up or that I wouldn't hear her even though her crib was right next to our bed. I bought the snuza halo when she was a newborn which took away those fears and I was able to sleep soundly next to her knowing she was safe. Oh the miracles of modern technology! Still, as she got older and too old to wear the snuza, what once became a selfish sort of act was my comfort as well. I suppose when I sit here thinking about the real reason as to why I've coslept with her for so long is because it eases my worries and anxieties. I know that she's safe next to me even though I never sleep 100% comfortable but hey it's a small sacrafice since she's right next to me nuzzled in my arms. I am sure the Sigmund Freud in me would have a field day  psychoanalyzing my actions but for now let's leave it as I enjoyed this bonding time together especially since I didn't Breastfeed her like I had planned. 

In addition, Belle was a "Velcro" baby sort or speak. She enjoyed being held all day, worn and being close. Most nights, still even now, she fell asleep on me first and then I would move her to her bed or our bed and she would sleep soundly with me close by. I suppose all of this co-sleeping messed up with her ability to take naps in her crib, as she never took naps there. She would only sleep in the car, one of the rocking/soothing gadgets as an infant or in her stroller or on me.  Even now, she will only selectively nap in the car, which means I spend a lot of my time driving around and sitting in my car when she does nap on occasions. 

When I come to think of why she enjoyed napping in the above methods it's all apparent: feeling secure and her need for input/pressure/squeezes. One of Autumn's symptoms of Autism is her need for pressure and input to help her cope with the world and senses around her. It's part of her sensory processing disorder. When I look back, it all makes sense. Even as an infant, she longed for input but in the form of hugs/being held and worn and the safely and security of her harnesses/straps of the rocker, stroller, and her car seat. Talk about a lightbulb moment flashing in front of me when I realized the above: thus she's always been this way. She also seeks her pressure with me the most. Here's a pic from today of her doing this don't mind the blurriness. 

Which brings me back to co-sleeping. Did Autumn always need to be close or did I need to be close? I think it's both and I am glad I did and still do cosleep with her when she's not feeling well. Some will say that it's crazy that I've allowed her to sleep in our bed and that I never got her to nap in her crib but as I look back on those decisions, I don't regret them. I love being able to be the one to make her feel secure and safe and it will be a difficult day when I am going to have to let go of always being the one to be there to protect her from the world (that's an entire subject that I will post about eventually). 

Overall, I understand that cosleeping isn't for everyone and it isn't something families do for years after infancy. Whether its fulfilling my daughter's sensory needs, securing her attachment abilities, or making me a little less anxious when bed time arrives and less grumpy when the morning arrives since I am Autumn's caretaker 95% of the time, I am proud to admit I coslept and that I did it because I wanted to not because of a trend or a movement, but because it has worked for us. 

Here's to that Monday!

Confession post over!

Xoxo,

Trish 

Dinner Daylight Savings

I just love daylight savings! Loosing that one hour feels like loosing the entire day. Ugh! 

I must say, it was so nice to be able to go out for dinner for my birthday a few days early last night and without Belle to boot. Yes, without my girl who I love more than life itself. Sometimes, no actually, all couples need "their time" together here or there, especially when the kiddos arrive. It doesn't make anyone a bad parent to want to spend quality time with the person who also helped create that miniature mini-you that's become your 24/7 life you're currently living. 

I used to feel guilty leaving my little girl with her Mema to have time out with Matt, but now, I welcome it. Plus spending time with Mema is something she needs in her life (Mema is the only other person that can watch Autumn aside from us).  I look forward to my time with my husband whose stereo system and funny jokes brings me back to where we started. 

I know that I often get so consumed in "all things Autumn" and he has been brushed aside, but to have those few moments of alone bliss, well it makes me realize how blessed I am and why I married this man in the first place. Like last night.

We stuffed our faces with tortilla chips and guacamole, had a few drinks (well I did), and drove around in the old Neon blasting Boregore and Skrillex. Oh what fun. Felt like we were teenagers again! 

"Hey look, here's a foodie!"

I just love those moments. I am sure many of you do. I know this post really isn't anything relevant to autism or Autumn, but how much I still enjoy her daddy after eleven plus years. I'm looking forward to our anniversary next month. Seven years married and I don't know what they mean by the "seven year itch" because I haven't needed to scratch yet and that's 100% truth.

So really nothing too fun or exciting to post today except that I am making some corned beef and cabbage for dinner. It smells invigorating. However, my mother in-law makes it the best (she is a great cook). Going to try to give Autumn some, but I highly doubt it that she will try a piece.

Also, over the course of the next few weeks I will be writing separate posts regarding Autumn, her progression and more things on the lines of Autism. Yes I am keeping things real by sharing my day-to-day thoughts, but the above will be included soon enough. We will be counting down to April 2nd as that's National Autism Awareness Day. I will have something special planned for that day. 

Until then, keep reading and relating. I hope that everyone has enjoyed their weekend. 

Here's to tomorrow.

Xoxo,

Trish 

Sleeping In Is SO Overrated...

It's not even 7am and little Belle has asked for Signing Time a few times already. The fact that she would rather watch Signing Time over her other favorite show Pocoyo must mean something special to her. Plus, this seems to be a "new" piece added to her routine. Can't break a girl from her routine right?

Any who, most parents can relate to this:

No matter how much wine consumption and channel surfing one can do on a Friday or Saturday night, weekend mornings are just like any other mornings in the world of parenthood, well at least for me it is. These are the moments where I envy my husband who is still sleeping snug in our bed while I am now onto my second cup of coffee. 

Which brings me to my question of the day: do you get to sleep in, ever, on the weekends or when your significant other is home from work (vacation, time off, etc.)?

I joke and say that even given the chance to sleep in, I probably wouldn't because Belle is so used to her routine of me getting up with her in the AM. I've grown to just become used to mornings even though I am a typical night owl. It's a sad world when I can barely stay awake past 10pm because of feeling drained from keeping up with a hyperactive, no-nonsense, rarely nap unless sick, needs a strict routine and lots of movement child that even if she goes to bed late (like after 10pm, which luckily she fell asleep after 8pm last night), she's up before the roosters nowadays. 

Sleeping in is so overrated right? I'll sleep in someday correct? Sleep is for the dead you say? Yeah yeah I get it...still I'm already looking forward to bedtime and the day has just begun (said most parents like me who enjoy their beds). 

Thank goodness for caffeine and the love I have for it. To think I only became a caffeine addict over the course of the past few years makes me wonder how on earth I was able to function as a teenager when school started at 7:30 (I still think that's too early of a day for kids and teachers alike but what do I know).  

Like I said previously, breaking a child's routine, especially one who is on the spectrum, is like your spouse shattering your favorite coffee mug...it's like "WTF just happened?? What did you do?!?! NO!!!!" So for me, if I don't follow her typical morning routes, she screams and pouts as if the world was coming to an end. I know this may sound harsh but lately I've been "switching things up" and yes does she pout and get mad? She does, but I don't care. Momma needs her milk too (coffee: mommy's milk) and yes I will sit with you while you drink your milk but you're going to wait two more minutes...and she has and does...and guess what?! The tantrums are short and somedays, non-existent. 

Usually she gets up, lays/cuddles with me in bed, then gets her diaper change, her almond milk and we sit together holding hands wrapped up in one of the throws while she enjoys one of her morning shows, then it's onto breakfast and the rest of our day. The above happens in sequence probably 10-15 minutes from the time she's up and is drinking her milk. 

I must say that mornings are peaceful and one of the few times she's more relaxed and not bouncing off the furniture yet. It's a precious time where we spend being quiet and enjoying one another, but that tends to be short lived because she gets bored or needs something else. 

However, there's nothing more serene than cuddling up with your kiddo, messaging their arms while smelling their sweet head just taking that moment in because as much as we (me) hates mornings, once night arrives, the day is over and that's another day in the dust, time we will never get back. Despite the morning dragging on, an eccentric toddler who is currenty running around the house yelling and bouncing off the furniture, I will continue to sit here and enjoy her in this moment because I will never get this time back tomorrow (while drinking my milk of course).

Here's to a happy weekend all. Stay strong and blessed.

Xoxo,  

Trish 

The Season of The Sick

Well it turns out that little Belle has the norovirus, which explains why her bowel movements have been plentiful over the past few days. I just don't get this shit. How did she catch it? I keep the house almost as clean as one of those homes featured in "good housekeeping", plus I'm a bit of a germaphobe so this boggles me. Either it came in from one of her therapists toys or at the play place we went to last week, which was filthy and I couldn't wait to leave and wash my and her hands...ugh never again!

(A toxic butt smelling, disgruntled toddler who kept saying, "out", she also kept saying "T" bc the bench/table underneath was in the shape of a T behind her lol)

The only perk is now she's sleeping in the car and I can catch up on blogging and maybe an episode of Orange is the New Black. 

Like I said yesterday, I hate it when she's not feeling well. I feel helpless. I just want her bum to be back to normal. Her getting exposed to germs is bound to happen as she ages and boy does it suck. Every time she's exposed to kids or to a play place, she gets some sort of cold or virus. Ugh it seems never ending.

Now I have to plug her up with the BRAT diet in hopes it will help. I was also told to try rice milk to see if that helps. So once she's up, were back down at the store buying more supplies. 

On a positive note, I made my first ever gluten-free loaf bread. I had bought one of those premade mixes so it made it very simple for me to try and bake. I am also planning on making kale chips today as well. Anything to try and get her to eat different foods that are healthy. 

Here's a pic: 

Other than the above, not much else interesting to report except that Matt is taking me out to dinner for my upcoming birthday but who knows what will happen since the little miss needs to get back up to normal and I don't want her Mema to get sick, but she's been exposed already so we will most likely play it by ear.

It seems like this season has been rough on us all. Stomach flu, the real flu/bronchitis for Matt and now the norovirus. Plus this cold and the snow we've had. Yesterday it felt like summer and I was sweating yet it was only 30 degrees, 30 degrees and I was feel too warm to wear my coat or jacket. Crazy bird I am. Even today I forgot my coat and I feel fine. Gosh I long for spring: nice weather, less chance of being/feeling sick, getting out more to have fun...cuter clothes...can't wait. For now I'll try my best to be patient. 

Oh and here's a good homemade recipe for Pedialyte so you don't ever have to spend $4-$5.00 per bottle again: 

1/2 teaspoon of baking soda

2 teaspoons of orange jello mix

2-3 tablespoon of white granulated sugar or honey for older children 

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1/2 cup of boiling water

3 1/2 cups of cold water

Combine all of the sugar, salt, baking soda and jello then add the boiling water. Mix together, then add the cold water. Mix. Also adjust sugar to your liking. **The jello is for the taste but that can even be omitted. 

Xoxo,

Trish 

Puke, Sh*t, Hugs

Good morning to all. I figured out that I can post using my phone, which will make keeping up with this blog a lot easier rather than posting from my computer. Any who, I never got that shower after I posted yesterday (luckily I did later once Matt got home; the simple luxuries I once knew) and we never made it to the play station place. Instead, I've been battling disgusting diapers, vomit and a very moody toddler. Either she ate something wrong or she has a stomach bug. I don't know, it's all about playing the guessing game. It's the same guessing game that all parents play with their small infants and toddlers. 

This is another area that frustrates me because I wish that she could just tell me what's wrong, what's bothering her, but no. Instead screaming and crying, pushing me away when it's time for a diaper change or not letting me bathe her when she's covered in vomit (sorry for the tmi). 

Now she won't even sit in the bath tub. This is a new thing she's been doing so giving her baths hasn't been as easy. Her OT gave me a few tips, but I think this is due to her hurting and not wanting to sit and not being able to forget that feeling. So onto wearing a swimsuit bottom next to see if it helps. Anyways, It's not even 9am here and I've changed more dirty diapers in the past 24 hours than what I tend to change over the course of a few days. Every time she does a "Pom Pom" I cringe because "here we go again". 

I am sure most parents can relate to feeling helpless when your child is sick or not him/herself. You want to do everything in your power to make them feel better, yet sometimes only time is the main culprit to their healthy selves. When a child can't communicate their feelings, add to that frustration times a thousand. After she got sick last night to the point of choking, which scares the crap out of me, I sat there holding my Belle while crying alongside with her because I hate seeing her in pain. I was also hoping that she could just tell me what's bothering her. I was also wishing she would show any signs of wanting to use the potty, but no, not my turn to get a wish tonight. 

So fast forward to this morning. I have a huge headache from the lack of sleep and no chance for caffeine (I hate headaches). I had plans to run errands and now who knows what will happen. I tell you, having a sick child definitely throws a curve ball into your life and when their routine is loused up, so is yours. 

This brings me to my topic of the day: food. Many people claim that having a gluten-free/dairy-free diet in children with developmental delays, autism, ADHD, etc., may help with gastrointestinal issues as well as behavioral concerns. Autumn has been pretty much dairy-free since last summer with about 50% of her diet being gluten-free. However with this latest bout of her getting sick, I am wondering if it's something else, like a food allergy or if I should just take her off gluten entirely since she's been having more stomach problems over the course of the past week with a potential increase in more gluten foods. I am thinking that with all of these nasty diapers, it's time to make the change. At least gluten-free foods are becoming more affordable and healthy right? Plus I want to do this for myself, even more of a push to forgo gluten entirely. 

Any who, on a positive note, no dirty diapers now within the past hour! It's a Christmas miracle! Speaking of Christmas (yes I know it's March), since converting Belle's crib into a toddler bed, we have been putting one of those jingle bells that kids can wear on their wrists or their ankles in music class on her ankle once she goes to sleep. It is the cutest thing hearing her in the morning when she wakes up. I can't help but start singing "Jingle Bells" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". So the spirit of Christmas lives on and it's one thing I can cross off my anxiety-stress checklist.

Otherwise, I'm going to try my best to stay positive despite the sleep deprivation, lack of coffee, and crappy job (poop stinks). 

Have a great day!

XOXO,

Trish 

"Now you see me, now you don't"

Launch Day

Good Morning to all and welcome to Raising a Butterfly, Autumn's Journey. My name is Trish and it is my pleasure to share this journey from the passenger's view sort of speak with my family, friends as well as those interested in following us along. For those of you who didn't read the prelude/today post, this blog will focus on raising a child on the spectrum and all that goes with "arriving in Holland" from the parent's perspective. This will become my outlet, my voice, my therapy. I can only hope that through my words and experiences I will be able to help other parents alike and to let them know that throughout this roller coaster ride, they're not alone, in fact, you're not alone. Period.

Becoming a parent was something I always thought would happen as I grew up. I imagined having the "perfect" most beautiful child who would excel in everything thrown their way. I had imagined a future so bright for my baby that even the sun needed to wear shades. Now, here I am, a mother of my one and only Autumn Belle, who will be 32 months soon, who has developmental delays, Sensory Processing Disorder, diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, whose days consists of therapies and evaluations, who can't join regular play groups or classes because of her inability to sit and focus (she needs to move and of course all of the times for a gymnastics class are smack dab in the middle of one of her therapy sessions), and who, someday, more than likely will be diagnosed with ADHD. When I look back at pictures of my pregnancy progression three years later, never did I imagine the journey we'd be on together, or the many obstacles that I would face internally, externally, as well as professionally. All of these decisions and expectations that I had thought would be my life with my child has changed. No parent ever imagines their child with a disability of any sorts. Why would we do such a thing? Even despite the negative above, I still see the most beautiful child, perfect to me, who has just as much potential like the rest. From one of my idols, Ms. Temple Grandin (don't know her, look her up), "she may be different, but not less", and that my friends, has become my parenting model.

So here I am, back writing again. I wrote during my pregnancy with my little Autumn Belle as my muse then and now she continues to give me strength, tests my patience as well as inspires me to enjoy life in general. There are those days that I feel down, depressed, and sad. The cold and the snow hasn't helped my emotions, but when I look into her eyes and see her smile or hear her say a new word, she pulls me back into her light.

I decided to "officially launch" my blog today (aka, letting friends and family know on Facebook) because today is my maternal grandmother's birthday. It is also the first day of Lent, meaning Ash Wednesday. My grandmother introduced me to religion and raised me and my family to be Catholics. When I look back at those memories, my heart beams with joy. So I only thought that it would be only appropriate to start something that will bring joy into my life on such a special day. Lent may be about giving up/sacrificing, but it is also about doing some good with that choice. I was going to give up Gluten and I might try it, but that's more of a health choice. Thus, my goal is to write a blog piece each day for the next 40 days, even if that means getting up early or going to bed later than normal. Let's see what I can do.

The purpose of this blog and my sometimes endless rants isn't to make others happy, it isn't to "change the world" or to bring more awareness to the Autism community, there's plenty of that. It is to bring acceptance. Autism isn't a choice, just like one's sexual orientation, race, or ethnic background. It isn't something to be ashamed about either. Its taken me six-seven months to get the courage to finally start writing again, especially regarding my daughter and her diagnosis because of fears of hurting other family members who want to keep Autumn's "issue" private. That's the last thing I want to do is to hurt anyone I love, which is why I am going to say the following: For those family members who may disapprove of my blogging choice, please remain respectful. Yes, Autumn having her delays might affect you on some level, but you're not living this life 24/7. This isn't your life. It is ours: Matt, Trish, Autumn, and Leah. The only other people who truly have a say in this blog are Matt and Autumn. Matt approves 100%. Autumn may not approve someday, but for now, I am telling her story, sharing her progression, so that one day, she can read this and know how far she's truly come. I can only hope to break down these barriers and stigmas attached to having any sort of delay, diagnosis, or disorder, as it shouldn't be something that's brushed under the rug or taken less seriously. It's not something that she will just "grow out of", that's simple-minded, ignorant talk and please don't tell me that I am "overreacting". Unless you have a degree in counseling and studied the DSM-IV, then you have some grounds to even suggest alternative prognosis. Believe me, I can only hope that's the case (she will just grow out of it) and all of this extra therapy, services, and alternate life plans were just precautions, but for now, this is our life, my life, and I am not going to censor myself or fabricate the truth. Thus, read if you choose. You all know that I have Autumn's best interest at heart. That I will advocate for her and fight for her as she grows older. That's my ultimate goal, to be the best parent my daughter needs and requires (isn't it for all of us). I am not going to apologize for the above. Just being real and being myself.

So here's to the first official day of my blog/Facebook page. I promise that my posts will be more enjoyable as the days march on. Belle (that's what I call Autumn b/c it means "beauty") just finished eating her breakfast and I need to shower and get ready because she has therapy soon with one of my new favorite people in this "butterfly life" (I will get into the whole meaning behind the name of the post at a later date). Then I am going to try to attempt to bring her to an open play place up the road from me. As a SAHM (stay-at-home-matriarch haha okay mom), we're always trying to find things for our kids to do to keep them busy, socialized since socialization seems to be "so important" nowadays (especially with children on the spectrum), and to get out ourselves because staring at the four walls becomes redundant and the shinning-like. I am hoping that she will enjoy playing because like I said before, there isn't many classes/play groups offered during the times she doesn't have therapy.

I hope that everyone enjoys their days and I will see you all tomorrow. For now, stay strong, be positive, and feel blessed.

XOXO,

Trish

(Belle watching her favorite show: Signing Time, clapping to "The Rainbow Song", while I virtually toast my coffee mug to you all)