Preschool Shopping

Yesterday I decided to tour a local preschool just to see if Belle would be a good fit. 

As those who are following know, Autumn currently has EI services an average of seven times a week and here in NJ, EI ends when the child turns three. I wish they would extend EI to five, but it is what it is. Once a child here in NJ turns three, their local school district takes over their services. 

Now we live in an up and coming town that is known for it's school system. It was one of the many reasons why we decided to move to this town in the first place. Thus my decision to enroll my daughter in their special needs program would be a no brainer right? Well when you're me, it's not. I am having a difficult time with this "five days a week", even if it's half days, at the age of three. I just can't grasp or get around this idea that it's consumed me a bit. Plus, I am not going to lie, I am scared to have her go to school so young mainly because I won't be there to watch her and protect her if needed. I will have to trust her teachers to do so. 

Despite my personal fears, I already know what I need to do for Autumn. I've thought about starting her when she's three in a half or at four. I've thought about just having her go to a regular preschool program that would allow them to wear diapers if still not potty trained. So my search for that latter has begun. 

I figure twice a week, even three times a week wouldn't hurt her to go when she's three. It would give her a chance to learn and make friends while I had time to run errands and to do whatever I had to do while she was gone. 

Back to the preschool tour from yesterday. We went and I really liked the setting (new building and clean), the preschool teachers seemed lovely and the class sizes yesterday were on the smaller end. However, the main drawback was the huge set of stairs, like the Gone With the Wind staircase that Autumn would have to walk up and down on a daily basis. I am not comfortable with the idea of that. Plus, the director stated that class sizes would range up to 14 kids per class. That doesn't sound like a lot but all I kept hearing was Belle's neurologist in the back of my head stating what he told me at her follow up appointment back in February. Could the staff handle Belles needs and most importantly, would she become overly stimulated in a larger classroom setting? These were things I had to think about.

So on our way out, the director mentioned that she does have experience with children who have Autism. Mind you all, I never said anything to her about Autumn's diagnosis just that she had a speech delay. I wanted her to come to her own judgment about my daughter without any labels attached. So being the blunt person I am, I asked her if she suspected that my daughter was on the spectrum. Making the person uncomfortable, she nodded and then I told her that yes, my daughter does have a diagnosis of autism and then I asked her if she knew and she said "I've been doing this for over twenty years, yes I could tell because xyz...". Then I proceeded to ask if she felt professionally if her preschool would be a good fit for Autumn due to her needing extra attention and she stated that she would be willing to give her a try but if it wasn't working out that she would let us know, that she's not about getting kids enrolled, etc. 

I was very impressed with this woman. She was educated and very professional from a preschool standpoint. Because of her experience, she could tell that Autumn was different from the other kids primarily due to her disconnection and lack of expressive language. As soon as we walked into the preschool class with the other kids, Autumn could care less for them or the teacher. Now it's actually very interesting observing her with new kids in a different setting. The children were very interested and curious to learn about her. Autumn only wanted to play with the toy truck and explore the room. I would find this typical of most children, but she definitely wasn't engaged with the children or adults present even after numerous attempts to get her to look at them and to have her say hello/bye. In addition, the constant moving back and forth, the hand flapping (Autumn does this from time to time), the resistant behaviors, and all of those traditional "autistic traits" many of you already know, this woman could see yesterday within the half hour we were there.

Which brings me to the conclusion: is Autumn's autism/autistic traits that easy to point out? I never realized it could be until yesterday. I also realized something else, a reality that I've been surpressing for a long time now and in denial to a certain extent myself: regular preschool will probably never be an appropriate option for my daughter. She IS different than the other kids and does require extra help and services and as much as I would love for her to be around children who are meeting their milestones on time, I don't think it would be fair to them or to Autumn if I put her in that preschool setting at the age of three. Thus, as I take a deep breath in, exhale, I say, she will be going to the school districts program. That's where she belongs and maybe it sounds like I am giving up on the idea of "normal", but I know within my heart to hearts that she deserves to be in a setting with trained professionals who are special educators and with peers similar to herself. 

Will I start her at three? This is something I will have to figure out in time but more than likely, I will start her in the fall (throat swallow) five days a week, half days. She will also have private speech and OT outside of school as well. 

My revelation has always been there in the back of my mind, but that saying "seeing is believing" well after yesterday's meeting and tour, I just knew that I needed to put my silly pride aside and do what's best for my daughter. I should also mention that yesterday's encounter was just one of the many things that I've observed over the past six months in a public setting so wasn't like "oh yes this is the reason why my daughter should go to the special ed preschool", it was the icing on the cake. 

Lastly, as a professional, I know that the earlier a child receives intervention and therapy/extra services, the chances of them living a normal life increases due to being able to manage any negative behaviors/symptoms associated with their diagnosis. Thus, I should know that since Autumn has been progressing so well, that it must continue and I would be doing her a disservice if I don't do what's best for her. So what if she has to be in special ed classes for the first few years of her school life? I would rather her now than later on when she may have more profound symptoms and difficulty within her coursework due to not providing the services she requires to help her excel. 

In the coming months I will have the meeting with our coordinator and the school system. Autumn will then go through more tests and then her IEP. I laugh because I never thought I'd be on the other side of the table (the parent side). It will be interesting to say the least. 

Until then, we will continue on. Happy Friday to all. 

Pic of the week: 

(Goodness she looks like me and my dad in this picture. I can't get over the fact that she really does look like me at times. Wow.)

Xoxo,

Trish 

Becoming a SAHM, How I Came To Thee?

Good morning everyone. I'm glad that most of you got to read the progression post last week and expressed your support. It's been one hectic year to say the least but things are getting better as we continue to navigate what's best for Autumn. 

I know last week I expressed my frustrations with not having any time for myself and wondering what life might be like if I worked a full-time job. As of lately, these thoughts continue to consume me (has a lot to do with a toddler waking up in the middle of the night, climbing into our bed and thinking it's time to play..). To continue my rant/plea and end this torture, I wanted to share how I came to becoming a SAHM in the first place and how/why I'm currently struggling with trying to find a balance within my personal life as a mom and a counselor. 

For those of you who don't know, I am a counselor by profession. I specialize in working with children and adolescents so when Autumn wasn't meeting her developmental milestones, I knew right away something else was wrong. 

Counseling was never my first profession. It was something I decided to pursue when I was 25 after working a few years as an Office Manager/Bookkeeper, Jr Accountant and then as a Teacher's Assistant. If it was solely about the money, I would still be in Accounting. Heck, I might have gone back for an MBA, but that's not my story...want to hear it? Here I go. 

To start, I've always had a job. Even in high school I preferred to work than to play sports or do extra curricular activities. There's just something about receiving a paycheck that was empowering. During my very young adulthood (18-20), I was that typical irresponsible worker who skipped work to hang out with friends or quit a job just because it "wasn't for me". I waitressed and had a lot of fun while doing so, but I went through more waitressing jobs than shoes but eventually I found my place working as an office assistant and then as an office manager when I was 20. 

By the age of 21, I was living in my own little apartment, supporting myself, paying my own bills without relying on my parents for financial support, going to college (taking 12 credits per semester), all while living in NJ. I loved my office job and felt a sense of accomplishment. I took classes around the clock and completed 72 credits within two years in order to graduate with my Bachelors degree and make up for lost time (so I finished at 24 instead of typical age 22 bc I didn't count my first year of college in transfers, not bad). I was extremely proud of myself for getting a BA, with most of my credits completed while I was living on my own. I had once heard that I wasn't "good enough" to even achieve this and yet I did it (I love proving people wrong, I think Autumn has this trait as well).  

As much as I loved my Office Manager job, I knew I wasn't going far so I decided to leave and work elsewhere making more money. This time around I worked as a Junior Accountant. I really enjoyed the place I worked at and even was the elf for our company Christmas party that year, but then one daly I woke up saying to myself, "what the heck am I doing with my life?" Was it a quarter century identity crisis?? I don't know, but what I did was the starting point that made me realize what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. 

I decided to work, making half of the salary I had, as a teachers assistant at a special education school (thank goodness for a supportive husband). I absolutely loved going to work and it really was one of the best things to ever happen to me career wise. It was working with this student population that made me decide to take the Praxis exam in order to become a teacher (I passed first try) and to later apply to graduate school (on a whim) to become a counselor.

It was the Summer/early fall of 2008 when I started graduate school and like many, there are those moments that you will never forget in your life, well this was one of them: sitting in my first graduate class (The Helping Relationship) saying to myself "wtf am I doing here? Holy crap 60 credits I need to take to graduate, I'll never make it." It's funny that now I can look back almost three years AFTER I graduated with a smile on my face. I indeed made it. 

It was also during this time (2009) that at the school job I had, there were a lot of layoffs and unfortunately my position was cut. Thus, I got laid off. I was deeply saddened by this but walked away knowing I had helped make a difference. 

Thanks to unemployment benefits, I decided to focus on graduate school full-time, even working for the college doing an apprenticeship in exchange for scholarships applied towards my tuition cost. I decided to double major in mental health as well as school counseling in order to have "more options" since the NJ LPC laws were ridiculous at the time.  

Fast forward to the fall of 2010. It was my last year of grad school and it was also when I got pregnant with Autumn. Talk about career life changer. I graduated in 2011 with departmental honors at 32 weeks pregnant. I cried the day I graduated because I loved being in school. What was once an extremely intimidating place became my second home. I cried because I would miss my graduate colleagues and professors. I cried because being a student was where I felt safe even though I knew I was ready to work as a therapist or a school counselor. 

(One of the best moments of my life receiving my grad degree @32 weeks pregnant) 

That summer Autumn was born and I focused my time mainly on raising her. My first mental health job was doing per diem work/assessments for a private company. I really enjoyed it but the caseload was minimal. I also had a difficult time finding anything because the lovely state of NJ takes forever to grant one their provisional license and most places won't hire unless one has their provisional. I received my license (LAC) in January 2012. I still did per diem work for this company and focused on being a SAHM to Autumn since my husband worked two jobs (his choice) as well as snowplowed to make extra coin. 

It was in April 2012 that I got hired at Careplus thanks to one of my grad friends who helped me get a job there. I have to say that working at Careplus was the best experience I've had to date. I worked there a year before leaving due to "bigger and better opportunities elsewhere" or so I thought. It has also been the worst career mistake I've ever made. I would do anything to go back to Careplus but what's past must stay there. 

You're all wondering what my "bigger and better things" was right? Well I was given the opportunity to work literately two minutes away from my home as an outpatient therapist. I got paid very minimal but in exchange I would receive supervision and it was much closer than Careplus. This was my dream job right? Working as an Outpatient Therapist in my own office with a plethora of clients. For the first few months things were going well until May. Office drama and politics. I will save my breath and spare the details. This was also the same time that Autumn started EI and I had suspected other problems might be going on. My caseload was between 10-15 clients a week, which sounds wonderful, but it still wasn't enough money in comparison to Careplus or even my side jobs doing assessments. It was also becoming very difficult for me to do all of the above on top of still being a SAHM during the day and dealing with Autumns extra needs. 

It was June when I ended my "dream job". It wasn't something I wanted to do, but it had to be done. Sometimes "the grass isn't always greener" and I learned my lesson there. As sadden as I was to leave my clients, I felt relieved because now I was back to focusing on Autumn's needs and also our move/renovations to the new house. I also received another work opportunity to provide counseling services outpatient once I was settled into the new house. At this point I was reluctant because Autumn had been recently diagnosed with Autism, her therapies had increased and I just wanted some time to settle into our new home, but I decided to take on this new opportunity mainly to make some extra cash and to keep my foot in the counseling door. I was happy I did, but as my clients no longer needed therapy, cases became less and I also wanted to try to find counseling work more local too. 

Which brings me to where I am today. All of my clients have terminated from counseling because when you're good at what you do, plus there's excellent family follow-through, they no longer need you. The joke in my field is that it's the only job you want to be fired at by your clients because you've done something right (or your client fires you because you didn't "click", this happens often, only once with me bc I am a terrible marriage/couples therapist). 

Even though it's only been a few months, I have my moments where I miss seeing clients and making money as we desperately need it (who doesn't). I am constantly looking for the next counseling job opportunity that's per diem, but am learning that things will happen when I least expect it. I can blame it on the guilt, my student loans, the need for more money and whatnot, but the truth is, I enjoy helping people and seeing clients when I can. I set out to obtain an education and work within a field that would allow me to make enough money to support my family as well if ever put in that situation. Taking a back seat financially hasn't been easy with my personality, which is probably why I struggle moreso as a SAHM than maybe others out there. I've always had a job or money coming in so naturally I feel inclined to continue this trend, which is why I started working per diem/part-time in the first place. Plus I can't help but feel guilty/bad that Matt is working 14-16 hour days when I'm the one with the higher education and the loans to boot. 

Which brings me to the point: Do I just say eff counseling right now and focus 100% on being a SAHM or do I try to find that balance like I had going two years ago before her diagnosis, in-home therapies and constant 24/7 attachment? Goodness, looking back two years ago, things were easier, which explains the easy balancing. I suppose only I know this answer and will continue to flip flop.  

I set out with a goal to have my LPC and a private practice someday but now I find myself still heading in that direction but with an alternate route: to be an advocate, a parent supporter, a community liaison for Autism acceptance and to be the best powerhouse mother I can be for my daughter. A career is just that, a career. I will not let it define me, I will define it my way, myself (I keep telling myself).

Despite the constant battles I have with my own inner working self, I don't have any regrets in being a SAHM. There will be a time that I will flourish as a therapist, maybe even go back to obtain my PhD but for now, I am learning to embrace society's proclaimed "second class job" and I'm doing it as best as I can. Belle's growing daily and in two years, five years and ten years from now, she'll be entirely different. Now will I look back and say to myself, "goodness I should've worked more while she was still small, I would've had my LPC sooner." Nah. I don't think so. I honestly think I will look back feeling proud, wishing I never took that time for granted, missing my baby girl at that age and all of the simplicities of life even though now they seem so large yet I guarantee I will LOL at my past self thinking, "really, you were stressed over that? Haha". 

I became at SAHM because it's the best thing for Autumn and I would be a liar if I didn't say it's been the best thing for me too. I also often wonder that if Autumn didn't have any delays if my feelings regarding work/balancing a career and home life would differ. Yet, I don't think they would. Before Autumn, I thought I would be the career woman I always have been, but she changed me. She changed me before her diagnosis, before this new life. It was in that moment when I held her for the first time that I knew this is where she belonged and so did I. The thought of leaving her with a stranger never sat right to me. It still doesn't. Maybe it's my intuition knowing she needed/needs me and only me right now? Maybe it's my own personal fears and paranoia, but for now I am going to try and relish in my decision and enjoy this time with her. 

However, I must state that I'm so grateful that I have this opportunity and I am able to still keep my foot in the counseling door at my own will as well as be home with my little girl. Not many families can do that. I owe much appreciation to the paycheck maker in this household because as much as I like to say that it's easier to "make a paycheck", it too comes with it's own set of responsibilities, stressors and obligations in which my husband has been through the gamut in correlation to the above. Thank goodness he "gets it" now and supports our lifestyle even if that means forgoing vacations, having less to fall back on and so forth. I thank him and love him for that. It's taken him two and a half years to truly appreciate what I do for our daughter and it's taken me this long to truly appreciate what he does for our family, even if I sometimes make it out as being easier or am just envious of him on days that I need some alone time. 

Overall, regardless of what we "do", it comes with it's challenges. It's not as simplistic as it may seem and despite my own judgements and guilt feelings, this is the life I chose. I can't blame it on anyone else but me and right now, today, at this very hour, minute, I wouldn't change it for the world. I have this short window of opportunity to raise my daughter, my number one client, and know that when she no longer "needs me for every little thing", when she's ready to flourish in this world, that I did "my job" right. 

Whew. Im glad that's out. Now you all know my work history and how it's led me to where I am today. For those who stuck through this reading, thank you. I owe you some wine 😊

Xoxo,

Trish 

Autumn's Progression

It was this time last year that I had made the phone calls to Early Intervention Services after Autumn wasn't saying any words. Actually, she stopped saying "mama", "dada", "ball" and "bye-bye". I had started to suspect something more, but wanted to rule out any other possible underlying issues, such as hearing loss, before further pursuing a developmental delay evaluation. 

I must say that everything about a Early Intervention (EI for short) has been wonderful from the start. Her first coordinator was extremely helpful in assisting me through the navigation process of EI. 

Within two weeks of my original phone call, we had her initial evaluation for services. The initial evaluation they use to determine if a child qualifies for Early Intervention services is the Battelle Developmental Inventory, which assess five domains for development: Adaptive behavior, personal / social skills, communication including expressive and receptive language, gross and fine motor ability, and cognition. They score using the bell curve/standard deviation with D-scores and Z-scores (you statistics pros will understand this). Autumn scored -1.80 in her communication. That alone had her qualify for speech. She also scored low in cognition because of "non-compliance". The other areas were pretty typical for her age/level of development.

 

At our second meeting to go over her evaluation is when I found out that she qualified for Speech and Developmental Intervention (DI). When hearing this news,  I immediately started to cry because I felt like I was failing her as a mom and not providing her with enough care. After all, I was a stay-at-home mom during the day and worked as an outpatient therapist during the evening. I had already felt my time being torn due to the pressures of meeting my client's needs as well as trying to be the best mom I can be for my beautiful daughter. So I took the news personal.

Autumn began receiving speech therapy (ST) in April of 2013 and then DI in June 2013 because I decided to wait to start DI until Autumn's tubes were in place to see if her behaviors would change once she could hear more clearly; they became worse. She started off at once a week for both. Then once her DI joined our team, she noticed a lot of sensory issues with Autumn that we had no clue she even had like the sporadic running, the need for squeezes/pressure, etc.,. She and her ST suggested that we should have her evaluated for OT once we're settled into the new house. I would've done it sooner, but we were in the process of buying a house and selling our condo and that alone is a story for another day. This was also when I made the appointment to have her evaluated by a pediatric neurologist at the suggestion of her EI coordinator.

In the meantime, Autumn's behavior started to slightly improve. She started to become more engaged but still had a difficult time focusing and saying new words. She also still remained distant from her therapists and had a difficult time transitioning with sharing and following directions, hence the "non-compliance" piece. Once she received her diagnosis, we wanted to increase her therapies and incorporate an OT for sensory issues only. She was also tested by her therapists within the five areas/domains mentioned above for the Battelle.

At the time of the testing (end of August, so after 4 months of receiving speech therapy services) she scored the following:

Autumn: 25 1/2 months of age

Self-Help: 18 months
Social/Emotional: 24 months
Fine Motor: 22 months
Gross Motor: 23 Months
Cognition: 24 months
Communication: 6-9 months receptive language (listening/understanding) and 9-12 months expressive (using words, talking)

It was very difficult for me to hear about her speech. I knew that the self-help would be lower because she didn't use the potty and I wasn't allowing her to walk down stairs. Her social/emotional and cognition is/was her age because she can do puzzles and play well perfectly alone, but allowing others into that circle, well then that's where we have the problems. When Autumn is focused, she learns and does exceptional.

At her September meeting, the team (my angels), pleaded to get an OT eval for Autumn's sensory issues because this is what we all stated would happen once Autumn started having OT:
An OT would implement a sensory integration diet, which means the following:
Autumn will be able to self-regulate her sensory needs by the activities outlined in her sensory diet, which will then lead to her being able to focus, then with focus will come the less negative behaviors/tantrums and more expressive/receptive language. Following Along? I thought so. Hence: OT= less problematic behaviors = focus/attention = higher expressive/receptive language.

It took a month to get her an OT eval and then a month later to get her OT. Luckily, her DI and ST have some OT experience implementing some of the OT techniques outlined and with their increases in therapies, things were moving along well. In addition, during this time, Autumn also started to get into watching Signing Time. Her DI was kind enough to make us copies of the signing time videos so that we can watch them whenever we wanted. I put these on for Autumn often because, I admit, I enjoy watching signing time and learning sign language as well. Autumn started signing and saying new words daily because of her therapies and watching signing time. I also made sure to provide follow-through and implement the techniques I had learned during her sessions. I would try many different activities with Autumn: flash cards, puzzles, reading/identifying objects in books, shapes, colors, coloring, sensory activities such as using the tunnel, pushing/pulling, parachute time, singing, dancing, identifying body parts, shaving cream/play dough, and other things to help her become more integrated into her own surroundings and of course to help promote the expressive and receptive language.

I also never give in or back down from a tantrum. I allow her to get frustrated, console her, but we push through. Thus, Task completion is the key here. Granted, if she has a horrible day or is becoming overwhelmingly frustrated, we will shorten the task. Her DI decided to implement an ABA book mainly for non-compliance because Autumn has a difficult time focusing and staying on tasks. Within the past few months since implementing ABA (not your standard b/c Autumn would become very bored and annoyed), she can now point to what she wants, she makes eye contact (mainly in the structured setting), she can identify different objects, and she's using her words more.

Recently, we had the yearly Battelle evaluation by a therapist through EI and being as honest as possible: she bombed it and scored horribly. Why? Because of non-compliance. Most individuals on the spectrum do not, and I mean, DO NOT welcome change within their worlds. This includes new people like the lovely therapist who did the evaluation. Her therapists prepared me that if she doesn't do well to not take it personal. They do this eval again basically for data collection. So when I saw the updated scores compared to last years, a part of me LOLed because they were horrible! She didn't want to even stack blocks! Something she can do without any problems, but since she refused to do it, she didn't get the credit (just like school will be someday). 

Her therapists also tested her again since it was time for her six-month eval. I am pleased to say that she's made HUGE strides in the past six months. HUGE. 

Autumn: 31 1/2 months of age

Self-Help: 22 months (but scattered skills that are 30 months, it's her not being potty trained that's holding her back)
Social/Emotional: 33 months
Fine Motor: 27 months (she couldn't draw a circle at the time of the eval, now she can)
Gross Motor: 30 Months
Cognition: 30 months
Communication: 18-21 months receptive language (listening/understanding) and 18 months expressive (using words, talking). 

We had her yearly meeting yesterday and all of the goals we had initially set a year ago and even six months ago have been achieved. I couldn't be happier with these results. Granted, there is much need for improvement still (isn't it for each one of us), but these baby steps are leading it's way to huge leaps and bounds. Autumns new coordinator was very impressed with her progress and even hinted at lowering her therapy sessions but I declined as I feel like she's been doing so well why change something that's working? Plus, with the snow, sick, and vacation times, her therapists don't always come to all seven sessions during the week. Having the extra sessions in place makes up for ones that are missed due to the above.

Autumn has four more months left of EI before it's time to move forward elsewhere. I cannot express the gratitude that I have for our team of therapists who've implemented many tools and techniques that have helped in so many various ways. I can't imagine what Autumn might be like if I never had her evaluated a year ago for EI. As difficult as it was for me to swallow my own pride at the time, I am grateful that I went down this path now knowing that my daughter does have an Autism diagnosis and despite me wanting this for her, she will need the extra push in life, maybe more so than some, in order to flourish. She's already proving to us all that she's more than capable of trying anything and excelling. That's my daughter.  

After EI is over, there will be private therapies and most likely, special ed preschool, but that's a post for another day. 

Raising my coffee mug to cheer: Here's to Belle's continued progression! My alphabet obsessed, bookloving, little girl!

 

Xoxo,

Trish 

The Ramblings of a SAHM/Wife

Good morning to all. I know it's been a few days since I've posted anything. So much for sticking to my Lent goal, but at least I post daily on my page so that counts right?

To summarize, Autumn has had a fantastic week despite recovering from that stomach virus. She's been more calm during her sessions and even around family this weekend she was engaged and not running around so much. Family relatives got to see Autumn on a "good day", which I am glad, but I hope they realize that it's been non-stop work to get her to become more involved with others. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of my daughter and all of the achievements she's been making lately, but I can't help that some days I just feel worn out. It's a 24/7 job being a mother, especially to a special needs child who requires extra needs and attention. I feel like I never get any time for Trish. Yes, I'm blogging right now as Autumn finishes up her waffles and eggs breakfast, but before breakfast was a Cinderella fest of making beds, more laundry due to leaky diaper, cleaning/washing up child and then making sure her routine isn't so loused up because she becomes irate if her morning routine changes at the slightest glance. 

I made myself a cup of coffee around 7:30 and finally an hour later I am drinking it. So for all you naysayers who believe being a SAHM is this "glamorous life", I'll trade you for the day. Yes, getting the kids to school/daycare is probably the hardest part, just like getting out of bed to go to work, but once you're up, you're up and the day is young. To be able to socialize, have lunch dates, make money, and sadly, earn society respect because "you're doing something", is sounding pretty darn good right about now. Maybe some people are right: I should just put Autumn in preschool when she turns three so that I can have "my time", even though that sounds extremely selfish and I am coming from a bitchy place right now. 

I chose to put my counseling career on hold to raise my daughter, how could I ever want "me time". That's not allowed right?? I feel that often times, working parents get to be their best for their kids. They've had all day to be elsewhere, which makes them appreciate the time they do have with their children, so when they come home from work, they don't have the draining feeling that comes from being the primary caretaker of a child/children all day long during the "witching hours of childhood". 

Despite feeling worn out and really moody today, I won't do the above just yet. I feel so selfish and I am having a lot of time struggling with guilt for even thinking the above regarding "me time". I suppose this is normal for most people who are around the same person/others constantly. You eventually want some alone space and that's a natural okay feeling to have. The funny thing is that as a therapist, I would tell my clients to go ahead and do this. Heck, I promote self-help and care yet I don't even practice what I preach often because of my feelings of guilt and fear. 

I know that I have time to work through these things, but I just wanted to share that I do feel overwhelmed at times, angry, resentment, where I wish I was a bird so I can fly far, far away (hence why I love to travel). I also know that in retrospect, my "me time" is coming as my daughter ages, but it would be nice if once in a while I can just go to the store alone or have the afternoon to myself to run errands. It would also be nice if the people in my life (cough husband cough) would see when I'm starting to feel worn down and to relieve me for a moment so that I can catch my bearings and come back feeling refreshed. Just because one makes a paycheck (I'm sorry but this to me is the easier route in life) doesn't mean they have full reign of not helping with child care-taking duties or household responsibilities when they come home. This isn't 1957. 

It just angers me that the person who makes a paycheck gets so much more credit and respect in society, yet SAHM (dads too) are looked down upon and seen as "less" even though we do everything else, and more is expected from us because of the above arrangement. So alone time and "me time" is almost non-existent and sometimes us SAHM need time for ourselves, just like our spouses get "their time" because they "work so hard" getting paid to do a job. How do I or we SAHM get paid or even shown appreciation for raising a child/or children? Maybe that's the problem here. I feel unappreciated and "expected" to do everything regarding Autumn, which leads to the above feelings. It doesn't help that I have more on my plate because of Autumn's needs. So yes often times I feel alone and become a full-fledged monster by the end of my day because I am worn out from having someone constantly depend on me for everything. I feel like because of her communication/self-help delays, I still have an 18 month old. I am sure as Belle progresses, my nerves will ease along with my anger and resentment at times.

I also know that I will have that time back to exercise, have coffee dates with friends, lunch dates with coworkers (someday I plan to return to work full-time hopefully as a school counselor or an outpatient clinician), travel, and sleep in. It will come with age. I just have to be patient and stop feeling sorry for myself right now and jealous of my husband who is seen as the "hero" because he "provides financially for the family". 

I read something recently about mothers always being needed and someday they won't be, which really helped put things into perspective for a moment, then I went back to wanting some alone time to take a shower or use the bathroom without an audience. 

So for those of you who have chosen the life of a SAHM and especially for those of you who are doing this with a special needs child, how on earth do you stay grounded and sane? How do you get your "me time" (showers and going to the store doesn't count) and lastly, how do you ask for help from your significant other or family when you start to feel yourself becoming unraveled within the stressors of life? I hate asking for help so this is something I struggle with always. My husband has said to me that maybe the reason why I've been chosen to raise a child with special needs means it pulls me out of my comfort zone, thus having to ask for help or become dependant on others (additional therapies, special ed schools, etc). This is something I never had to really do throughout my entire life and something that I'll write about on another day. 

Thanks for reading today. I know this sounded more like a bitchfest but I needed to get this off my chest. 

Here's a cute picture to cheer you all up:

She loves wearing her pink coat 😊

Xoxo,

Trish

The Past Week

Not much to report today aside from feeling a little worn down from the past week's excitement. Autumn had a good day despite being very clingy for whatever reason. 

I am just glad it's Friday and my hubby has off this weekend. I am also going to try my best to post each day but I am finding that I don't want to drag out each little thing and to keep my readers interested. I have a lot I want to share but not all at once. 

So hang in there. The progression post is coming. 

Highlights from the week:

I turned 31.

Autumn chose daddy over mommy snuggles for the first time ever.

Autumn's stomach virus is out of here.

Great Thai food and Mexican food.

 I had a cannoli.

Autumn did very well this week in all of her sessions. 

Met a cool mom.

Autumn's expressive language is coming along nicely.

Received a lot of FB birthday love.

Had a great conversation with someone special.

Was able to enjoy almost two hours outside on the warm day.

Dunkin donuts pumpkin coffee still available! 

Can't beat the above! Here's to the weekend!

Xoxo,

Trish

The Mommy-Daughter Day Date

Once a month I like to have a mommy/daughter day date where I take Autumn someplace fun and then we go out to lunch there after. Today we tried this play place up the road from here and it was a lot of fun for her. She did great running around, jumping on their small trampoline, building blocks and playing alongside the other kids. She really didn't chase or follow any of the kids around, but she seemed content just playing with the toys there and joining in when appropriate. I also noticed during our almost two-hour duration that when faced with an altercation (older kid talking/telling her something), she was very silent and annoyed some of the children. I also noticed something so beautiful, she was incredibly loving and kind in her own rite.

I also found myself wondering for a moment, "What would Autumn be like if she could speak full-fledged sentences, was able to have conversations right now, etc."? Would I still have the same sweet and loving child God gave to me? Most likely, but things would be different, she would be different and so would I. Thinking about the above also made me realize how happy and content I am to have the daughter I do, the little girl who listens when I tell her "no, don't do that", who waits patiently to put on her coat and hat, who thrives to learn and explore and who knows her boundaries for the most part. A little girl who is so beautiful to look at with her curly blonde hair and big blue eyes, who towers over most children her age, who always seems to be smiling whenever we go anywhere unless its Lowes then that's a different story.

I also find it very interesting when encountering other moms in public places like children's play areas or parks. It always feels like an awkward first date. I tend to be the "loner mom" as most of the play groups/places I've gone to there's always those moms who've been friends since their first-borns popped out of the womb. Being the kind of person I am, I always say hi and start conversations. I don't ask a lot of questions but I like to listen to other moms talk. It must be the therapist in me. I also noticed today that the play place we went to was more for the parents than the children. It was a place to let the kids run around while the mommies sat in their chairs talking, drinking their coffee, and keeping a semi-watchful eye on their kids. It's nice to see play places that allow moms to be able to relax while their kids play together. Totally worth the money I say, minus the germs though.

I decided to sign Autumn up for the Easter Egg hunt they're doing in a few weeks. I'm sure she will enjoy it as she likes to pick up things. I can't wait to see how she does but will be prepared for the worst as she is still young and does have a lot of sensory needs. I'm sure she won't want a picture taken with the Easter Bunny either and that's perfectly okay. I also signed myself up for a pediatric CPR/First Aid class as I've always wanted to become certified in childhood CPR. We do have a pool and heaven forbid, I want to be able to use it correctly if I ever have to be put in that situation. I am sure the class will be worth its weight in gold.

Otherwise, the rest of our day went well. Had a decent lunch, but I need to remember to never buy kids meals until she's older because it's a waste of money. She never eats anything I get for her while out unless its tortilla chips and applesauce. She also did very well in the restaurant. Despite not being entirely socially connected with others, she does enjoy going places and looking at the sights and sounds. I also enjoy experiencing with her as well.

(Don't mind my no makeup face)

Here's to tomorrow and hopefully warmer weather!

XOXO,

Trish

Another Year Bites The Dust

It's my birthday today yay! 31 years. 10 years of being of drinking age. Wow where the heck did the past ten years go?? They flew out of my life faster than a bird flies south for the winter. 

I've been enjoying a relaxing day at home with my loves. Matt is surprising me with a nice dinner tonight (take out) and we will just spend the evening relaxing and eating. Sounds like the perfect evening tonight! He also brought me home an iced coffee! God I love this man!!

Instead of writing another rambling post, here's something I came across today. It matches yesterday's post so well. 

Get ready for the waterworks:

Some Mothers Chosen By God

Written by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. 

This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. 

Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen? 

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. 

As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger. 

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron saint, Matthew. 

"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia. 

"Rudledge, Carrie, twins. Patron saint… give her Gerard, He's used to profanity." 

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child." 

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy." 

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel." 

"But has she patience?" asks the angel. 

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it." 

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world and that's not going to be easy." 

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." 

God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness." 

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?" 

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child who is less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word.' She will never consider a 'step' ordinary." 

"When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations." 

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see… ignorance, cruelty, prejudice… and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side." 

"And what about her patron saint" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice".

(Autumn laying on the ground is a sensory need of hers).

Xoxo,

Trish