So despite all of the negatives associated with Autumn's Autism diagnosis, and believe me, there's a lot, I'm going to take some time to reflect on the silver lining points of it all. Nothing is in particular order here so bare with me.
1. Being a parent of a child with Autism has humbled me. Yes it has. I have learned to appreciate what my child CAN do and what her potential is capable of being. Sure, I've mentioned plenty of times her limitations and how they're stuffed down my throat, but I'm trying my best to choose to reflect on how far she's come and how much she's achieved rather than focus on her weaknesses. This brings me to my next point:
2. Being a parent of a child with Autism has also knocked me off my pedestal that I have to "do everything" for my child, all on my own. That's been my entire life: Trish never ever EVER asked for help. I did everything myself. Well not anymore. It's taken me the entire length of Autumn being in EI that I realized I can't continue to feel like I'm the only person to help Autumn. I can't do this alone. It takes a village to raise a child right? Right. The path I was on was making me a miserable person on the brink of depression and turning me into someone I know I'm not. Thus:
3. Having a child with Autism has taught me that there was NOTHING I did wrong, this isn't about me. I'm learning to let go of the guilt of feeling like I somehow caused her autism yet that sounds like the most selfish thing a person could say and what a burden to continue to carry. No wonder I was miserable! I've learned to stop thinking I caused her autism and to stop wasting time wondering what did. That shouldn't matter anymore. She's here and she is whom she is. I've learned to let it go.
4. Having a child with autism has seriously made me focus on the here and now rather than the what ifs and the future. I was such a future-planning person. Not anymore. I can't think about Autumn in five or ten years from now, heck I can't even think about what our lives will look like next week. If I do, it brings out my anxiety and unnecessary worries and wasted time that I should be spending enjoying the moment. Yes, autism has taught me to enjoy the moment!
5. Having a child with Autism has seriously made me appreciate all of the things my daughter does and to not take anything she does for granted, especially her words. As many of you know, I'm a talker. I love to talk! It's no wonder why I became a therapist. So having a child with a significant speech delay hasn't been easy because we've struggled in the communication department. However, as the words come, I sit with anticipation listening to that small voice. A voice I will never take for granted as I can only hope that someday I will be able to tell you all "this kid won't shut up"! I mean this about all of the things Autumn will do someday. I say do because of:
6. Having a child with Autism has broadened my faith in God. Sure I have my "poor me, why her, why us" moments but when I take a deep breath, step back and look at the entire picture, I see hope and potential. Sounds cheesy perhaps but that's how I have to get through this. The internal optimist always hoping things will get better and they will. I truly believe God only gives us what we can handle and he must of thought I can handle being a mom of a child with special needs. If that's my struggle in life, life can't be too bad.
7. Having a child with Autism has possibly spared me from some of the "typical" struggles my friends will go through with their kids. The competitive sports crap, the girl drama, all of that jazz, I have a feeling we will only see minimal of that in Autumn's life and hey, that's fine by me.
8. Having a child with Autism can be pretty cool at times. Yes it is. Want to know why? Autumn is very content with simplicity. Her routine, her books, her shows, just running and playing outside or on the beach is enough for her. She doesn't need constant stimulation that will make her go into sensory overload. She also doesn't need me 24/7 to entertain her every moment. She's predictable. I know what she wants and when she wants it and I know what makes her tick. So in a sense, parenting her is easy, but can be overwhelming because I don't get much "me" time alone, but that too will be coming soon enough. Also, because she's constantly moving, so am I. Who needs a gym when I have Autumn around. Somedays I want her to just sit and play but I am glad she likes to move. It keeps me going as well.
9. As strange as this may sound, having a child with autism has made me love and appreciate my spouse even more. Long story short. Matt and I got married very young (he was 23 I was 24). We were college sweethearts and best friends. We knew when we were 19/20 we wanted to get married to one another. Not many people approved of our engagement bc they thought we were "too young" and didn't date enough people to know whether this was the right decision. Well we didn't care what they thought and got married anyway. We enjoyed our stress-free lives doing everything twenty-something yuppies do from traveling to buying our first home to degrees to enjoying life. It was awesome! Married seven years now and times haven't been easy, especially once we became parents. I hear the divorce rate is higher for special needs parents and I understand why. No alone time and focusing on the kids leaves couples exhausted and they put themselves last. Okay, so my point here is this: despite how busy and crazy our lives have been, the one thing that remains sane is my love for him. Even though I feel alone at times, I know he's right beside me. He's the only other person who gets this life we live because he's living it too. We are in this together, hand in hand becuse that's "true love" and Matt is and will continue to be my partner through this all.
10. Overall, having a child with Autism has made me let go of everything I once thought about being a parent and to embrace the life I'm currently living. To try my best to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself because at the end of the day, this is a pretty good life. I made the decision to become a mother regardless of my child's challenges and I'm trying my best to enjoy this journey as the scenery changes every day. It's an ongoing battle that I'm hoping the internal optimist within me will win.
Yes, all of the above sounds so lolly gaggy, spinning around in circles on top of a mountain, too positive and possibility superficial, but I don't care if it does. This is me being real. I can either focus on all of the crap, because there is always going to be crap, or share the love. I chose to share the love and to conclude with more love:
Lastly, to my sweet Autumn: I love when you make crow sounds when you get excited. I love how your face lights up when you look at me after saying a word. I love how you squeeze me and find comfort in my arms whenever you need "pressure" to keep your sensories in check. I love how fast you run even though you never sit still. I love watching you flip through your books and recite the words from your memory. I love how eager you are to learn something new and to try your best to complete a task even though you sometimes get frustrated. I love how you'll say random words and make me giggle and then you laugh too. I love that you're talking more and saying "I love you" to daddy and me when we say it to you first. I love how content you seem when your eating your pasta or when you're on the beach rolling around in the sand. I love the way you grab my hand to "walk" and you rock from side to side when you're waiting for your milk or juice. I love that you still want me to hold you and enjoy cuddles while eating your popcorn. I love that when I leave the room you cry because you miss me too. I love to watch you when your in the car and your moving along to the music. I love watching you when your sleeping because you look like an angel. I love it when you smile because it lightens my world. I love so many things about you there's too many to list here. Above all, I love you for you.
(Autumn on the beach, she loved it)
XOXO,
Trish
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