The First Week

We survived...barely myself, but she did. Autumn adjusted exceptionally well considering how she has a difficult time transitioning. I, on the other hand, have been exhausted from the "up before thy roosters" alarm clock (belle) and running around all last week. The stress and change of seasons finally caught up to me this past weekend as I had a cold and am still recovering. Ugh. I've been feeling like a zombie most days that my mantra has been "I need coffee NOW" all day long. It hasn't really helped. I also saw my first family working for EI. All went well. I never realized how difficult it can be to keep the family interested and the child engaged, even with a giant bag full of goodies. Hoping I'll get my groove eventually as time progresses.

Okay, back to Autumn now. The question of the week I've been asked on numerous occasions is "how does Autumn like school?" To be honest, I don't know. The only form of knowing how her day went is within her daily communication log, which only consists of a two-sentence update. I'm going to assume okay since I haven't received any phone calls or emails stating otherwise. They did call me on the first day to let me know how she did, which was nice. Also, I'm learning that as much as I was saddened by belle starting school early, it goes by so fast! She's there for only two and a half hours. So by the time I drop her off and go back home or go to meet one of my families for work, I only have two hours and those two hours fly by faster than a "rocketship, rocketship to the moon". 

Sometimes I think to myself, "maybe the full day wouldn't have been so bad" but then I realize how LONG the full day is (she wouldn't get home until 4pm) and when would we have the time to be able to fit in her private speech and OT sessions. Plus, she's only three. The full days of school will arrive at some point within our lives.  She now has OT and speech twice a week privately on top of receiving services while at school (4x ST, 4x OT). It sounds like a lot, but this is what she has to do now in order to continue moving forward. 

Also, the highlight of my week was having some coffee with a dear friend of mine who's been such a support system and understands what I've been going through with Autumn. We've watched our small children grow so she's known Autumn from day one. Throughout our chatter, I started to get emotional (something that happens often) when we spoke about Autumn's future. I keep having hope and faith that she will continue to progress and perhaps someday, maybe, she'll be able to tell me how her day at school went aside from a "well" or a "good" response, which she's not doing yet. However, she will say "purple cat" though on our drive home which has me convinced that she's seeing that damn cat from Alice in Wonderland in the trees. Go figure lol. 

In addition, this past week has also been a test for me to not get sucked up into the "autism vortex", which can easily subdue me if I start comparing other children in similar age to my Autumn or focus on the negative aspects of autism,which there could be plenty. For me, it's been more like a quick, "I wonder what she'd be like if she was doing xyz..." thought, but it's short lived and my brief woes are overtaken by gratefulness and love. I've been learning to remove those expectations and trying my best to not focus so much on the "what ifs" but on the "what is". 

"What is" thy may wonder? Well what is, is:  A little girl whose mostly happy all of the time. In fact, she rarely cries only when she's in a sensory meltdown or happens to come across the "Empire today" commercials (she hates them for some reason). That's something I hear often from family and friends. "She's such a happy child". Yeah she is, she really is. Despite the fact that she's considered "different" according to societal standards, she's happy and content and honestly, that's all that matters in the life of a growing child. It's what us parents strive to provide for our kids: happiness. Autumn may not be like most of her peers and as much as I've struggled with the fact that she may never be and that her autism is real, I'm slowly becoming content as well with this new life of ours.  I feel like because my attitude regarding life in general has improved, I've also been able to heal and "let go" in ways I never imagined. It's also kept the fears and anxieties at bay and that my friends, is always a plus in life!

So I leave with this sweet image. Last night Autumn climbed into our bed around 1:30. I always hear her get up and greet her when she comes into our bedroom. I don't mind it bc we coslept for 27 months exclusively.  As she got in her position, her little arms wrapped around my head and my arm wrapped around her body, I look up and see her eyes closed but with a sweet grin on her face. She was smiling. She usually does this every time she wakes up in our bed and goes to sleep at night. It's in these moments when I realize she's truly happy and wish to savor this moment for a lifetime. I believe it's because she's surrounded by so much love and that despite my worries as a mother, I must be doing something right. 

Content = Happiness= Love 

Life is good.

Continuing to "embrace the amazing"

Xoxo,

Trish 

(belle enjoying some iPad time and staying in one app thanks to Autism daddy's tutorial-thank you!!! She looks pretty darn happy to me!)

Dear Teachers

Since my Belle isn't able to vocally express her thoughts just yet, I decided to pen a letter on her behalf for her new teachers so that they can have a better understanding of whom Autumn is, her likes, dislikes, her strengths, and areas of focus rather than relying on just her IEP. This is all beginning to feel real. I really want to tell her new teachers that being able to work/care for Autumn is a blessing, a privilege and to guard her with your lives otherwise this Mama Bear will be roaring if something happens to her cub, but I can't come across too overbearing for now. Still, I can't help be a bit worried and nervous as I'm so protective over my Belle. I will give them the benefit and see how things transpires. I'm certain that she'll be in good hands.

Okay so here's Autumn's letter, with the attached pictures included.



"Dear Teachers,

Hello, my name is Autumn. I wanted to share some things about myself that may help us all begin the new school year off in the right direction. I just celebrated my third birthday this past July. Of course I had to have a Frozen themed birthday party because I’m obsessed with Elsa and everything Frozen. In addition, I spent a lot of time at my Mema’s (grandma) shore house this summer. I absolutely LOVE the beach, ocean and the sand. It is definitely my “happy place”. When I wasn’t at the shore, I was home swimming in my pool. I learned how to swim with my swimmer’s vest on. Mommy and daddy are so proud of me for being able to swim on my own without much assistance. I also enjoyed spending a lot of time in my backyard running and playing outside. Did I mention how much I LOVE to run? Sometimes when I run, I’m not aware of my surroundings and the potential dangers so my parents have to keep a close eye on me at all times so that I’m safe.

My parents say that I’m extremely active, which is the truth. I love to move and am usually non-stop throughout my day. However, I enjoy routines and structure, but have a difficult time trying something new and dealing with transitions. Mommy says that my “meltdowns” last for only a few minutes as I’m able to quickly move onto something else as she doesn’t “give in”. Anyways, the highlight of my summer was that I was in my uncle’s wedding as one of the flower girls. My parents were worried that I would scream, but with Mema’s assistance, I was able to walk down the aisle as mommy and daddy were also in the wedding.

When I’m not always constantly on the go, I enjoy reading my books, coloring, listening to music, puzzles, jumping on my trampoline, playing with legos and my dolls, watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Signing Time. I absolutely LOVE “Miss Rachel”, Alex and Leah of Signing Time. I also enjoy spending time with my “sissy” Leah. She’s my parent’s “first born”. She’s our Labrador Retriever Mix and just celebrated her birthday as well.

As you may already know, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder right after I turned two. My mommy made sure that I received early intervention therapies in speech, occupational and developmental intervention. I loved the time I spent with my therapists: Miss L, my DI, Miss M, my SLP and Miss L, my OT. I miss them so much, but hear that I may be working with Miss L again since she’s an OT at the school. Early intervention helped me immensely over the course of the fifteen-month period while I was receiving therapies. However, I’ve been told that I still have a difficult time sharing and taking turns. I admit that I don’t like to share my toys and know that I will need to continue working on this in order to make new friends and play well with others. In addition, I do love other children and admire them so much, but still have a difficult time verbally communicating with them. I’m hoping that as my expressive language improves, so will some of my social skills.

Moreover, I absolutely LOVE input, which is probably why I’m constantly on the go. My mommy has me in private OT so that I can continue working on my sensory areas. I enjoy deep pressure, squeezes and hugs, but there are times when I don’t. It depends on my mood. I also enjoy praise. That will be the key to keep me motivated. Lights and noises can also bother me (too bright and too loud), so please keep an eye out for this. My mommy has a hard time shopping with me because of the sights and sounds. I’m also particular to certain foods and would eat pasta and chicken every day if my parents allowed. My parents have me drinking only Almond milk, but I’m not allergic to anything if that helps. I’m also not potty trained yet, but mommy is working on this with me even though I don’t show much interest in trying.

I also keep hearing that once my body is regulated, my expressive and receptive language will increase. My mommy has worked really hard to establish a sensory diet, which includes brushing, in order for me to continue increasing my language and decreasing my negative behaviors (whatever they are haha). She has me in private speech as well. Currently, I’m labeling everything and repeating new words and phrases each day. I still need some prompts, but I’m getting there. I’m certain that I will LOVE going to school daily. This will be the first time I’ve ever been left with someone other than a family member. My parents are nervous, but I reassured them that I’m ready and I’ll be just fine.

Hopefully by now those of you whom have read my letter have a better understanding of who I am. If not, please contact my mommy, Patricia. Her iPhone is readily available so she will respond back to you almost immediately. I know it seems like my mommy does all of my caretaking, but my daddy helps too. He just works long hours at his jobs and mom has been home with me from day one.

Lastly, when I’m focused, I LOVE to learn. I already know the alphabet, how to count to twenty, all of my colors, shapes, animals, and those things that most kids my age know going into preschool. It’s having a reciprocal conversation that I still need to work on, as well as my attention, but I’m getting there. All I’m asking of you is for your patience, to be caring and sensitive to my needs, and I promise that I’ll do my best to offer the same in return.

Well that’s it for now. Thank you so much for reading this and getting to know me. You will find that I love to laugh and am genuinely a happy little girl with so much potential. I look forward to starting this new chapter within my life as well as learning and growing with each one of you.


Best Wishes and Salutations,


Autumn"



****Probably a little much, but hey, that's how we roll. Hopefully this will help her teachers recognize her wants/needs. I'm sure that I've forgotten things, but this is good for now.

Thanks for reading and Happy September/Labor Day!!! "Tis the season of the Autumn, fa la la la la la la la. Enjoy some pumpkin spice and cider fa la la la la la la la la..."

XOXO,

Trish

I'm Selfish

So this morning I started thinking about Autumn and how did my just-turned three year old get so big? How on earth is it possible that she's starting school in just two short weeks? When did my life start to slowly slip away from underneath my fingertips as we all know that going to school is one of the first steps towards our child's independence. And then I thought: No. I don't want her to go. I'm not ready to let go. 

I'm selfish. Yes I'm a selfish mom because I don't want my three year old to go to school just yet, even though everyone else keeps telling me it's "for the best", like I'm not enough for her. That's how I interpret it EVERY SINGLE TIME I hear the above and then the guilt and pity sets in, because I take it personally, yes I know I shouldn't, but it's hard not to as if this is a reflection on my parenting. I suppose if I didn't have a degree or training working with children, it wouldn't affect me so much, but it does, and I can't just make this go away, even though I'm trying really hard to make this go away. 

Having a child with Autism means going down different paths than expected. For us here it's having Autumn begin school sooner than either of us wanted (yes my husband isn't ready too). It means sending our child on the same day, starting the same time, and attending the same amount of days as kindergarteners whom are five and their parents and caregivers probably got two extra years to prepare for this day. The thought of sending their "babies" at three was never an option, only maybe for a day or two just for social interaction, which would've been my plan if Autumn was "neurotypical". 

Sure, it may sound like bliss: having three precious hours to myself to do whatever I please, but maybe I enjoy being with my daughter? Maybe I don't want that break five days a week? Maybe I just love being her mom, even during the shitty times. I don't understand why some find this shocking to believe. I've said this time and time over again, our kids are so small for only a fraction of our lives then they belong to the world and us parents are left here waving at them as they step onto their ship called life. It happens way too soon and fast so yes, call me selfish for wanting to hold onto her as long as possible before that ship sails and then shows her the harsh realities of life like it did for the rest of us.

So while I reflect and wish I could hold onto her longer, I will send her despite how I feel. It's the right thing to do right? That's what I keep hearing so it has to be, but it's painful nonetheless. 

Lastly, I'm entitled to how I feel. I get that people just want to help me by saying all will work out and things will be great, but please don't. My feelings are not to be pacified. I don't need to justify my words. Being a mom is tough enough, add the autism to the ingredients and it makes for a lot of tears too soon. Yes tears bc again, if she wasn't autistic, this wouldn't have been the path we would've taken. 

I know I'm not the first mom to send their kid off to school. I know that every single parent has felt what I'm currently feeling, but this isn't about them or you, this is about me right now and again, I don't need to justify my thoughts. 

I hope those of you understand how I'm feeling and "get it". Please send your virtual hugs today as I need them. I'm glad I got this post out of the way now rather than in two weeks when she starts. Also, I KNOW Autumn will love school, I sure did when I was five. Heck I remember my first day of kindergarten like it was yesterday running up to my kindergarten teacher and giving her a big hug. Autumn may be fine, heck I'm sure she will be, but I won't. I will cry and pout and miss her like crazy. It's going to take me some time and again, I hope that everyone reading this can respect my feelings. 

Thanks again for reading. 

Xoxo,

Trish 

Up at paradise mountain in Sussex yesterday 

A Husband's Revelation

The last time I wrote I was upset over the subjective reports from Autumn's new SLP at the clinic. I had some words, released a lot of steam, and have since moved on. I understand that I'm going to come across all different sorts of individuals who will have their "expert opinions" and whom I will question from time to time. No big deal right? Gotta keep advocating for Autumn correct? Correct. 

So this past weekend (Friday-Sunday), we went back down to the shorehouse.  The weather, wind, and water conditions made it the perfect beach day. Long story short, Autumn had a blast. She was in her glory. She barely sat still from the time we got onto the beach until we left. In these moments, she was perfect. No limitations, no worries, no autism, just her being a sweet three year old enjoying the moment. As a parent, there truly isn't any words to describe my feelings in those moments. I kept saying to myself that with the input of the sand and water, this is the "best" OT session for her. No wonder she's in love with the ocean and sand! I also kept thinking to myself that I wish we could go to the beach often even though I'll be spending my time chasing after her rather than sitting my bum in a beach chair getting some rays...and that's okay too. Above all, I kept thinking how "normal" this all feels, how happy I was that she was happy and content and isn't that what we want for our children? Yes, yes and YES! Her inner peace is my inner peace here, it's no wonder that my in-laws and husband have loved every moment on that beach for over sixty years, which only makes sense that my daughter and myself are the happiest near the ocean and vision beach. So my goal is to get down to the beach as often as I can with Autumn before the water starts to get cold in October. 

While at the shorehouse and on the beach, I was so excited to finally talk to another "special needs" mom and family who "gets it". We shared our stories and frustrations and it just felt good to talk to someone whose been through similar experiences that were currently going through. This also brings up the next "topic" that's been inspired by the husband and I hope not to offend anyone here...

So my husband and me had a very lovely conversation Sunday driving back home and while at home. We talk a lot to one another, and I mean A LOT. After all, he IS my best friend and I am his. Any ways, I shared with him how great it felt that I was able to talk to another special needs mom and all that jazz. He went on to disclose something that was harsh, which excludes family members and my online support groups and here it goes: we don't have any friends. His point was very valid. The "friends" we do have don't understand what were going through with Autumn because they don't have kids yet, live too far away or are too busy with their "normal lives" to make time for us and who can blame them? As Matt put it, "normal parents want to do normal things with their normal kids...let's face it Trish, our little family will never be normal. This IS our normal." 

Theres a lot of truth behind my husband's words. He went on to disclose how he feels isolated at times and that at the end of the day, everything falls/is on us. Just him and me. It's a pain that I can't describe. I already know that his/my ideas on what parenting was "supposed" to be like have been jaded since her diagnosis, but these feelings of isolation and loneliness are even stronger. Bottom line: having a child with special needs, and in our case, autism, has made us (especially him) feel like were living on our own secluded island. Sure, this "island" is beautiful and majestic but the water that surrounds it can be very rough, which makes it difficult for those to "reach us" or for us to "reach them" at times. It's within those waters that fear lies. The fear that keeps those whom we care about away because of the unknown. A fear that builds barriers, walls and ignorance. The obligations behind the fear consumes our lives that we often forget how calmness feels like. A fear that I hope will subside with time and eventually we won't feel so alone anymore and we'll have "visitors" from time to time and we too can get off this island once in a while when the weather is appropriate.  

So after disclosing our feelings and hearing the hurt and pain within my husband's voice, I had to remind him how grateful I am to have him next to me on this journey and that were so lucky to have each other and really, that's all that matters at the end of the day. 

On the upside, I hear that the "special needs" parents in our town are wonderful. I am sure once Autumn starts preschool I will get to meet some moms who "get it" and they will become part of my village as I will in theirs. This doesn't mean that the friends I had previously don't matter, it just means were moving in separate directions and that's okay. That's life. The true ones will still be there regardless. 

Overall, my husband's revelation is a sad reality for many special needs parents: we do feel alone and isolated, even from family and close friends, until we find our "village" and those who truly "get it". Our marriage lives tend to be put on the back burner (no date night unless it's a wedding, anniversary or a birthday-as for personal time haha, unless driving and sleeping counts) and everything in our lives revolve around our kids who need extra, extra help and support in life in hopes that maybe, just maybe, they will grow up to be self-sufficient, responsible adults without requiring extra care someday.  Sure, don't ALL parents experience the above? Yes, but it's like comparing apples and oranges: they're both fruits but entirely different in their own rites. That's the same when trying to compare typical kids and not typical kids, one just can't. 

Lastly, ending with the words of my favorite singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan that the hubby says reminds him of us (well Autumn and me) and he couldn't be more right. "We're gonna push on through, pretty girl, Just like we always do, beautiful girl. I know the world can be cruel, pretty girl. You're gonna make it 'cause you've got love on your side. One thing I know is it will get better." 

Yup, Sarah, I agree. It will. It has to because we do have love on our side. You're that love husband. Remember that. Forever and for always.  

Xoxo,

Trish

My true loves (missing Leah here). 

 

What IS Forever?

So yesterday I updated you all on how fantastic Autumn has been doing and on my new job opportunity working for Early Intervention services once she starts school. I was feeling FANTASTIC then poof, that changed as soon as I started to read her evaluations from her new SLP and OT. 

Within the past month, Autumn has had three discharge summaries, two Battelle evals, one OT eval for school, two evals at the clinic, an IEP and an eval for the VB-MAPP (verbal-behavioral milestones assessment performance program). Ten meetings that I've had to disclose the same words over and over again. Ten meetings where her "limitations" have been noted. Ten meetings to remind me, shit, this is real. Her Autism IS real. 

I know that my posts lately have been filled with rainbows and butterflies prancing around in the glorious sunlight, depicting hope and remaining focused on "the good" within my daughter. Not on just the negative aspects or the realities that could quite possibly be "her forever", "our forever".  It's a feeling that I've chosen to dominate my mind but the other still lingers there so quietly and that, my friends, is today's focus.

Now reading the reports, always subjective to an extent, made me very upset because it listed her social skills at being of a six month old. Wait, six month olds have social skills? I just assumed most babies that age were just learning how to sit up and coo at this point. I am extremely pissed by this and will be saying something today when we go back. To make a judgment off of five minutes of her going from toy to toy because she's excited, which I already mentioned prior to our arrival, just ticked me off. She scored the highest in social/emotional at the school and within the ELAP so explain this to me? Hopefully a typo error. I'll just approach it like that... 

*** UPDATE: I did confront her SLP today to ask her where/how she determined her findings and I think I probably made her cry...totally not my intention. Just didn't understand how her scores elsewhere were much more higher yet hers was so low. I told her everything I've mentioned here and I think and hope she agreed and was empathetic and understanding about. We will see how next week goes and if I still feel similar, then I will look at another place to take Autumn for speech (theres other things that bother me but I'm choosing not to mention here).

I know that I should just take their wordings with a grain of salt and keep moving forward like I always do, but I can't help but wonder AND worry about Autumn's future within this moment when I promised myself I wouldn't try to think too far ahead. The realities are there. Dang it. I seriously thought I'd be immune to these feelings, but I'm not. Watching some Autism documentaries this past week also amplified some of my concerns. I guess these "worries" have to keep me grounded and not so much in la-la land hoping that she is going to truly climb out that window and be a typical child someday, even though anything is possible (here I go being that internal optimist again). It also has made me realize, and maybe it's just the feelings of being burned out from evals and meetings this past month, how I dislike this all and just wish we had a normal, uneventful life. Not this running around all over the place, hearing everyone's subjective opinions about my child and feeling like you and you alone are the only one in the battlefield, advocating for your child and doing the best you can with minimal support.

I will tell you all this much. All of these opinions and subjections surely knock one off their horse from thinking that their kid "is the best" in life. Man oh man, having a special needs child of any sort really does ground parents and teaches us to focus on what our child can do, even though what they're not doing is a constant discussion and motivator. So I add to my list of "what my autistic child has taught me" and this probably summarizes this entire post/rant: It sucks, and yes I said sucks, hearing about how "un-perfect" my child is and how she has these so-called limitations and how she isn't "the best" bc she is "special" but "special" because of those limitations. I hate being critiqued. I hate hearing where I need to improve as a parent mainly because I'm not her only parent and feel that the other one gets off square cleaned. I hate it bc I don't like criticism and never had and feel like it's "all on me". It's a huge pill that I choke on constantly and this, my friends, is the biggest dilmemna that I've had to overcome or try my best to not take so personally. This, my friends, is MY biggest struggle that I fight daily and will continue to fight. I am sure I will just lol at it all and grow numb to it as I hear more and more about "improvements" Yada Yada Yada...

Now as for Autumn's forever? Who knows. Like I said previously, I can't think about next week, let alone "her future", which isn't probably very smart but it's my way of coping with the present moment. Even if this sounds naive and after my ranting and stating the annoyances above, I'm going to go back to thinking that everything is "rainbows and butterflies" today. I'm not going to allow the dark thoughts consume me or make me feel like a crappy parent. I'm not going to allow subjections rule my outlook on my beautiful daughter, despite what they think or say. I'm going to choose to see differently and even if it pisses people off that I choose hope. To hell with them as I smile and try my best to enjoy Autumn being Autumn. 

Here's Autumn being Autumn squashed between her teddy bear and chair:

Funny way to conclude. Yesterday were Autumn's first sessions at the clinic. Her OT comes out and says, "goodness, I don't know how mom you do it bc Autumn is intense within needing those deep pressure and lots of input." Yup, that's my kid. Hopefully the more and more she becomes regulated, the less input she'll need. However, I'm certain the hugs won't stop. 😉 

Xoxo,

Trish 

The Week In Review: Awesome!

I suppose the title says it all and you all can stop reading (just kidding), but seriously, it was an awesome week. Busy, but awesome. 

Let me break it all down starting with her clinic evals. Autumn was her usual hyperactive self at the clinic because everything was fun and new. Her new OT and SLP seem lovely. It's going to take me a while to adapt to them but I really do like them and what they will be able to offer Autumn. They both determined that she could benefit from 2x a week speech and OT. I agree, however because of summer schedules, we might only be able to get in on service once a week and the other twice. They said they'd like to have her for OT and then speech back to back. I prefer this as well bc I personally don't want to be running her around all week if she can have the sessions back to back. She did this while in EI so I am sure she can handle it at the clinic. We start Monday with services. 

Second, the IEP. As my Facebook page updates had indicated, all went exceptionally well. Very pleased and grateful for the CST we do have here in my township. Overall, we agreed to have her be placed in a self-contained class. It is the best class for her that will have four aides and the most one to one attention that she requires. She'll go to the integrated preschool class for snack time and other activities as she gets older. She will be going half-days, five days a week. She was offered full days but I declined right now because I want to see how she adjusts to the school setting. She will be going to an elementary school so this is going to be an entirely different world for her. I also declined bus services. I want to be able to pick her up and drop her off on a daily basis. Until she's able to express her day to me, I will not be putting her on a bus yet. Someday yes, but not at three. She will also have OT and Speech, both 2x a week, individual for now until she is able to work within a group environment. They will provide me with daily progress notes, a speech and OT book so that I know what's she's doing and how I can carry over what she's learning while she's home. Every question and accommodation I wanted she's getting. I'm happy with that. Overall, the meeting wasn't as intimidating or overwhelming as I suspected. Luckily, Autumn's OT from EI was also present at the meeting bc she will be her OT at the school. Her and I spoke for a good 15 minutes privately after the meeting and it was nice hearing her comments and suggestions moving forward. 

Third, Autumns three year wellness visit went well. She's 40 inches tall and 38 pounds and is growing perfectly according to her pediatrician. She also received her MMR at this appointment and guess what, she hasn't melted yet. Still a jumping bean, silly little girl. The pediatrician and me had a good talk about Autumn's autism and him believing she will overcome some of the challenges associated with Autism due to EI and us being proactive by getting her extra therapies and the services she needs. He said she's probably on the mild-moderate level of autism but to not worry too much into it because he too has noticed a great change in her over the past year. He also stated what the CST stated, in a year, especially two years from now she's going to be an entirely different kid. I suspect this too because she'll be older (duh) but the concerns I've had will not be so heavy in the future. Still, I plan to take things daily and embrace the little things she does now. I also registered her for pre-k3 I can't believe Autumn is going to school this fall! I will be a total emotional wreck but I trust that she'll be in excellent hands. 

Lastly, and this one's about me. Starting in September (because it's going to take that long to do my trainings and paperwork), I'm going to be working for an agency that's contracted throughout the state to provide Early Intervention services. Thus, this mama bear will be working for EI! I will be providing behavioral intervention services and once I complete other trainings, I'll be writing the programs and behavioral plans for families. It's definitely not the path I envisioned when I started grad school, but because of everything I've been going through with Autumn, this new area/journey in life has inspired a shift career-wise. Sure, I want to still try to obtain my LPC but right now, I want to focus on helping families and children affected by Autism. I want to be an Autism advocate in regards to early detection and helping to implement services (not preventing or finding a cure) as well as focusing on parental support since this area is seriously lacking (especially up in my neck of the woods). Who knew that having my Autumn would be a game-changer in so many different areas within my life.  Sadly, I will make more money doing this than I do as an LAC. I couldn't be happier with this new job opportunity and my decision to work for EI. So, once Autumn starts school, I'll work with families during that time even if it's one family per day. I'm happy with this decision. Plus, we need the extra money so it's time for me to do this. Perfect timing I suppose. Talk about fate.  

So there you all have it. What an excellent week. 

Xoxo,

Trish 

Looking all grown up with her hair pulled back

The Silver-Linings of Autism

It's been a few weeks since I posted last. We had a week long family vacation spending half the time at home relaxing and having Autumn's birthday party and then the other half was spent down at the shore. Loved seeing Belle in the water. She enjoyed every minute of the beach. She better; it's in her blood. Now were back home again and it's filled with a week full of appointments and evals. Fun stuff. I received her multidisciplinary report in the mail from the CST and have read it several times and started to write another "poor me, poor Autumn" type of post but realized, "wait, nah, I'm not going to go there."

So despite all of the negatives associated with Autumn's Autism diagnosis, and believe me, there's a lot, I'm going to take some time to reflect on the silver lining points of it all.  Nothing is in particular order here so bare with me. 

1. Being a parent of a child with Autism has humbled me. Yes it has. I have learned to appreciate what my child CAN do and what her potential is capable of being. Sure, I've mentioned plenty of times her limitations and how they're stuffed down my throat, but I'm trying my best to choose to reflect on how far she's come and how much she's achieved rather than focus on her weaknesses. This brings me to my next point:

2. Being a parent of a child with Autism has also knocked me off my pedestal that I have to "do everything" for my child, all on my own. That's been my entire life: Trish never ever EVER asked for help. I did everything myself. Well not anymore. It's taken me the entire length of Autumn being in EI that I realized I can't continue to feel like I'm the only person to help Autumn. I can't do this alone. It takes a village to raise a child right? Right. The path I was on was making me a miserable person on the brink of depression and turning me into someone I know I'm not. Thus:

3. Having a child with Autism has taught me that there was NOTHING I did wrong, this isn't about me. I'm learning to let go of the guilt of feeling like I somehow caused her autism yet that sounds like the most selfish thing a person could say and what a burden to continue to carry. No wonder I was miserable! I've learned to stop thinking I caused her autism and to stop wasting time wondering what did. That shouldn't matter anymore. She's here and she is whom she is. I've learned to let it go. 

4. Having a child with autism has seriously made me focus on the here and now rather than the what ifs and the future. I was such a future-planning person. Not anymore. I can't think about Autumn in five or ten years from now, heck I can't even think about what our lives will look like next week. If I do, it brings out my anxiety and unnecessary worries and wasted time that I should be spending enjoying the moment. Yes, autism has taught me to enjoy the moment! 

5. Having a child with Autism has seriously made me appreciate all of the things my daughter does and to not take anything she does for granted, especially her words. As many of you know, I'm a talker. I love to talk! It's no wonder why I became a therapist. So having a child with a significant speech delay hasn't been easy because we've struggled in the communication department. However, as the words come, I sit with anticipation listening to that small voice. A voice I will never take for granted as I can only hope that someday I will be able to tell you all "this kid won't shut up"! I mean this about all of the things Autumn will do someday. I say do because of:

6. Having a child with Autism has broadened my faith in God. Sure I have my "poor me, why her, why us" moments but when I take a deep breath, step back and look at the entire picture, I see hope and potential. Sounds cheesy perhaps but that's how I have to get through this. The internal optimist always hoping things will get better and they will. I truly believe God only gives us what we can handle and he must of thought I can handle being a mom of a child with special needs. If that's my struggle in life, life can't be too bad. 

7. Having a child with Autism has possibly spared me from some of the "typical" struggles my friends will go through with their kids. The competitive sports crap, the girl drama, all of that jazz, I have a feeling we will only see minimal of that in Autumn's life and hey, that's fine by me. 

8. Having a child with Autism can be pretty cool at times. Yes it is. Want to know why? Autumn is very content with simplicity. Her routine, her books, her shows, just running and playing outside or on the beach is enough for her. She doesn't need constant stimulation that will make her go into sensory overload. She also doesn't need me 24/7 to entertain her every moment. She's predictable. I know what she wants and when she wants it and I know what makes her tick. So in a sense, parenting her is easy, but can be overwhelming because I don't get much "me" time alone, but that too will be coming soon enough. Also, because she's constantly moving, so am I. Who needs a gym when I have Autumn around. Somedays I want her to just sit and play but I am glad she likes to move. It keeps me going as well. 

9. As strange as this may sound, having a child with autism has made me love and appreciate my spouse even more. Long story short. Matt and I got married very young (he was 23 I was 24). We were college sweethearts and best friends. We knew when we were 19/20 we wanted to get married to one another. Not many people approved of our engagement bc they thought we were "too young" and didn't date enough people to know whether this was the right decision. Well we didn't care what they thought and got married anyway. We enjoyed our stress-free lives doing everything twenty-something yuppies do from traveling to buying our first home to degrees to enjoying life. It was awesome! Married seven years now and times haven't been easy, especially once we became parents. I hear the divorce rate is higher for special needs parents and I understand why. No alone time and focusing on the kids leaves couples exhausted and they put themselves last. Okay, so my point here is this: despite how busy and crazy our lives have been, the one thing that remains sane is my love for him. Even though I feel alone at times, I know he's right beside me. He's the only other person who gets this life we live because he's living it too. We are in this together, hand in hand becuse that's "true love" and Matt is and will continue to be my partner through this all. 

10. Overall, having a child with Autism has made me let go of everything I once thought about being a parent and to embrace the life I'm currently living. To try my best to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself because at the end of the day, this is a pretty good life. I made the decision to become a mother regardless of my child's challenges and I'm trying my best to enjoy this journey as the scenery changes every day. It's an ongoing battle that I'm hoping the internal optimist within me will win. 

Yes, all of the above sounds so lolly gaggy, spinning around in circles on top of a mountain, too positive and possibility superficial, but I don't care if it does. This is me being real. I can either focus on all of the crap, because there is always going to be crap, or share the love. I chose to share the love and to conclude with more love:

Lastly, to my sweet Autumn: I love when you make crow sounds when you get excited. I love how your face lights up when you look at me after saying a word. I love how you squeeze me and find comfort in my arms whenever you need "pressure" to keep your sensories in check. I love how fast you run even though you never sit still. I love watching you flip through your books and recite the words from your memory. I love how eager you are to learn something new and to try your best to complete a task even though you sometimes get frustrated. I love how you'll say random words and make me giggle and then you laugh too. I love that you're talking more and saying "I love you" to daddy and me when we say it to you first. I love how content you seem when your eating your pasta or when you're on the beach rolling around in the sand. I love the way you grab my hand to  "walk" and you rock from side to side when you're waiting for your milk or juice. I love that you still want me to hold you and enjoy cuddles while eating your popcorn. I love that when I leave the room you cry because you miss me too. I love to watch you when your in the car and your moving along to the music. I love watching you when your sleeping because you look like an angel. I love it when you smile because it lightens my world. I love so many things about you there's too many to list here. Above all, I love you for you. 

(Autumn on the beach, she loved it) 

XOXO,

Trish