Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Small Talk

It's been a while since I've posted anything in my blog. The past month has been crazy with a capital C. Between Autumn therapies, family stuff, Matt's work schedule and our mini weekend getaway, I seriously have had minimal time to write anything of value. I've also been waiting for the right moment to post this one topic that I've been longing to share about with the world. It's the thing that I dread talking about with others in public, it's the small talk that I lothe the most and after this weekend I feel it's time to share.  

I get asked this question more times than I brush my hair (jk-well sort of) and it's one of those questions that I always have to say, "well see how things go". I know most people mean well and like I said, they're trying to make small talk, but sometimes I just don't know what to say... If you haven't figured out the question by now it's the "do you plan on having more children?" and all of the unsolicited advice that follows when I tell those that Autumn is quite the handful right now so the answer is unknown and that's the honest truth. 

I wish it were easy for me to say, "let's give it another go", but it isn't. Autumn does require more time and attention than maybe most NT children do so I feel like I'm bound to her and to throw another baby into the mix wouldn't be fair for her right now in our lives. Yet, a huge part of me wants to give her a sibling, someone who will grow up with her and be her Anna or Olaf to her Elsa, but again, that dreaded fear takes over. I've accepted the fact that Autumn may be my only child and at times, I have felt angry, resentment, and depressed because I feel that because of her developmental delays, our parenthood experience has been jaded. I say "our" because despite all that I've written thus far, I'm not the one who needs the convincing. 

Matt's more of the planner and everything has to be perfect in his world. At the current moment he's our sole financial provider, working two jobs and never turning down an opportunity to make extra money, so that I can stay home and focus on caring for Autumn. He's sacrificing his time being able to spend with Belle so that I can be there for her even though I have put off my own career (sacrifices on both ends, but all temporary). I know that I am blessed to have a husband who plans and wants to make sure we all are treading our heads above the water. I couldn't be more grateful and appreciative of such a mate so I understand why his reservations regarding expanding our family is more of a concern than it would be for me (he's thinking, can we afford this, I'm thinking, everything will work out la la la). 

Yet we both know that even with the best plans, shit happens. I planned my pregnancy with Autumn six months before even trying to get pregnant, I did everything "right" while being pregnant, had a very easy and minimally medicated birth and no complications and of course tried my best to practice attachment style parenting (minus the being able to nurse part, but she associated me with feedings and I fed her like I would've if I was nursing her). I did all that I could to try to "protect her" from autism and guess what, I had no control. I can't change the past or go over what I didn't do right during my pregnancy, birth and her first few years. It is what it is. I know God made her special for some reason that someday maybe I'll have the answer to but for now, I'm trying my best to "embrace the amazing". 

If we have another, could he or she have autism or developmental delays? Possibly, but that's the risk we all take when we have children. I also know many parents who didn't let their first child's limitations hinder them from having more children. I secretly want to know why, but to each their own. So at this point in our lives, the answer really isn't certain. I think to myself how awesome and incredibly blessed I am with my just my one beautiful girl right now and how with just one, we can travel the world, vacation, do so much together, and live financially comfortable, maybe even some day buy a vacation home elsewhere. How I will have a best friend for life without feeling like my time is divided or that I'm not being fair to one or not doing enough for both kids. Plus, I will be able to go back to counseling soon and while Autumn is in school, I can focus on my career and still be done in time to pick her up daily. I think of all of the great experiences yet to come with just the three of us (four if counting the dog). Yet, there may be this uncertainty that will remain...the, "why did we let fear win?" playing like a bad song stuck in my head. Right now, today, I'm content with what I have, but tomorrow, my mind will most likely change as the Pisces mind usually does. Darn fish.  

I guess only time will be able to tell and take us to the answers that I hope to receive. Whether it's staying on course or taking the plunge into deeper waters, we will figure it out. 

Xoxo,

Trish 

PS- Off topic, but too cute to not share: Autumn LOVED the beach this past weekend. She loves the sand and everything with sand and water...I know what someone is getting for her birthday (maybe sooner) this year! An ocean! haha, I wish!


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