Saturday, September 20, 2014

I Should've Listened To My Mother

Hey all. Here's to Saturday and another 5am wake up in this household. What a great way to start the weekend (said no morning person ever). 

Lately, my emotions have been all over the place. The novelty of Autumn and her being in school is wearing off and the reality behind her schools and additional therapies hit me hard last night to the point that I went to bed crying, wishing this wasn't our life. I rarely cry regarding the autism, but the events of the day and past week just struck a chord with me that I had to get those musty tears out. My poor husband knew something was up as he went in to check on me and I just lost it. 

The past few weeks have been difficult on me in various of ways. The routine is something we haven't had to truly deal with ever and adjusting to that plus me working in between while Autumn attends school has also been hard. It's not like I go and that's it. I have phonecalls and the paperwork that is imperative for me to do my job well. It's not an impromptu, go into a home and pull some magic out of my bag. It takes planning and lots of it. 

I wish I would've listened to my mother and took it easy until Autumn was truly established into her new routine, but nope. She's always right and I'm realizing this now. That's what I love about my mom. She knows me so well and what I need to do for myself to be healthy and she knows that I take on too much too soon and it would cause me to feel exhausted, overwhelmed and angry at the world bc of feeling like I have to appease everyone around me.

"Can you take on these families?" 
Me: Sure! I'll take on these cases.
"Home improvements this week?"
Me: Umm okay...even though I don't know when I'll be able to help
"Can you go to xyz for me Hun?" Me:Anything for you dear, let me squeeze it in between her therapies and school time.
"Can Autumn come at this time bc of..."
Me: sure, I'll accommodate

I need to start staying No.

No, I can't take on all of these cases.
No, I can't do home improvements on the house.
No, I can't go to xyz.
No, we can't do this time this week.

Done and done. No more because. People need to learn to respect my "no" when I say no and because I have trouble doing so, I need to start because it's caused those to not truly respect my wishes even after I've expressed my concerns.

So take the above, plus Autumn being in school, and my reservations still regarding her starting school so young, her new morning wakeups (oh how I miss the days of getting up at 7am) and this cold that just won't go away, I'm mentally and physically shot and have had it with not getting the help I need in order to be the best parent I can be to Autumn.

I really feel like I've been a shit mom as of late bc I'm loosing my patience with her bc of the above and it's not her fault. None of this is and that's what really hurts. I cried wishing she didn't have to go through this all. She has, ready, 10, yes 10 different teachers and therapists that she works with on a daily. Add in the BCBA and her doctors and this number goes up. Ten people that I have to also be in constant communication with. Ten individuals who now have the distinct pleasure of working with my daughter, but ten people I would've  preferred my daughter to never having to work with three years ago when she was a baby.

I cried because I feel worn down and alone as everything regarding Autumn falls straight onto my shoulders and people wonder why I don't want another baby! I don't think I would care so much if Autumn was NT but she's not and requires much more support than most children and when it's constantly on you, yeah, it can wear you down and it can break you. 

Autism is breaking me here and if this isn't a cry for help or at least respect when I say no or to wait to do something when I can mentally and physically prepare for it, then I don't know what is. 

Thanks for reading. Carry on.

Xoxo,

Trish 







5 comments:

  1. We are going through a lot of the similar here with my 4yr old daughter. Lots of changes and challanges.
    So glad I found your blog through Autism Daddy.
    Hang in there you are not alone.

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  2. You remind me of my daughter, mother of 2 year old Trevor who is autistic. She has a hard time saying no, too. And she often says I am right after she does it her way. But you have to be rude to yourself since there really isn't another choice. She seems to know intuitively what to do even though she never knew anything about autism. I bet you do too. Glad I found your site. Recommended by Autism Daddy.

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  3. You have to be true not rude. Sorry. Couldn't find edit button.

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  4. Hang in there Mom...we're all rooting for you and wishing you strength and love!

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  5. You go ahead and cry! It is hard trying to be mom and advocate all rolled into one. Sometimes you need to let it out and release everything you are feeling inside and that is ok! It can be hard to balance mom, wife, advocate, career, and the million other roles we play in the course of a day. It's ok to release some of that and cry because sometimes that's all that's needed to keep it together! You are doing amazing! Autumn is lucky to have you as a mom! Be gentle with yourself, create some time for stillness for yourself, and I always found the odd time out at Starbucks with a latte didn't hurt either!

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