"Hello, my name is Patricia and I'm depressed."
Whew, there, I said it and boy does it feel good.
You see, I've been depressed for a long while now, but I've been fighting these urges for as long as I can remember. Maybe it was denial or shame, but I'm done living a lie and pretending to always have my stuff together. I don't. Not even close. So please before proceeding forward, do not pity me. I'm simply admitting defeat, and I feel relieved for waving my white flag today.
Anyways, I know that being a parent feels like a very lonely road, add autism to the mix and take that lonely road times ten.
Then take distant family members who only see your child a handful of times a year and act like they know what's best for them or pacify your concerns because they only see a glimpse of what you have to endure on a daily basis, add another five to the above number.
The constant reminders from therapists, teachers, behaviorists, doctors and other "experts" informing you as to what is "best" for your child and the pressure this causes on said parents, add a three.
The little time said parents have to spend together to focus some time on their marriage because everytime they talk, there's interruption, they sleep, interruption, want to eat, interruption....you get where I'm heading towards? So by the time they DO have time together, they collapse and the LAST thing they want to do is spend quality time bonding because they just want to sleep. And we wonder why couples of special needs children have an 80% divorce rate?!
That every moment since the diagnosis, said parent's lives have been derailed. Their plans professionally, financially, physically and mentally have been put on hold in order to focus on their child's needs because "the child comes first". Hence no money, no time, increase in weight gain, decrease in everything else, etc.
All of the above factors, plus others I'm not even going to mention, are reasons as to why I've been depressed, but never fully admitted it to myself because, I'm supposed to be perfect right? Hahahha I wish. I feel like a horrible mother most days because I struggle to control my daughter, to make her happy, to "disipline her" due to not having all of the answers. I feel like I should because I'm considered an "expert" within this field and the secret is, I am not even close.
It's been such a difficult pill to swallow having to relay on other "experts" to help my daughter when I haven't been enough and I'm never going to be enough for her. Yet, I work with kids like her and do my job well. Why is it that I can help them, but I struggle with feeling like I haven't been able to help my own child like I do my families? I know, I'm taking on a lot when I say the above and have become better at accepting the fact that her autism isn't a result of my bad parenting. It is just a part of who she is. It's that uniqueness that makes her special.
However, the realization that my daughter's diagnosis and this journey were on will be lifelong, hasn't been easy on my husband and me. That I feel like I've already given my all to help her and that some days I loose it and I cry and I hate this life and wish I was alone and could run away from it all...but...I'm not a coward. I will NEVER do that to my sweet girl or husband. Ever. I realize that I can beat this fog. That I deserve my happiness. That I don't have to resort to antidepressants to clear the air (just not for me because it will make me worse- I've tried).
Thus, I've made a decision, an investment for my future and happiness today that will begin in let's hope, two weeks from now. I got myself a treadmill (thank goodness for financing and holiday sales because we can't afford to buy one outright). I'm going to dedicate time to myself each day and exercise my ass off so that I can decompress and start to feel better about myself again. I need something. We all need something. This is and will be my something.
I've decided that in 2015, I'm taking back my life. I'm going to train for a 5k and run someday. I'm going to run for autism awareness, autism acceptance and love. I'm going to run for our daughters and your sons. In going to continue to advocate for the beautiful people within this community. I may cry, I may fall while doing so. I am human and I will get back up keep moving along.
That's what this ASD child's momma is great at doing: falling, living and learning.
Today is the day I've decided to combat my depression, admit that I have a problem and do something about it. Maybe tomorrow will be yours. Maybe not and that's okay.
Hang in there.
With love because I too "get it".
Xoxo,
Trish
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