With snow, sickness spreading around the household, and new demands at work, I just wish I can throw my hands up in the air and walk away or plan a really nice long vacation to be taken in my wildest daydreams. The vacation planning sounds more reasonable.
Anywho, I was waiting for Belle today during dismissal and those effing feelings of meloncholy came over me as some older kids walked by with their smiles and language in tact. Then at OT, hearing a mother and her child the exact same age as mine conversing over the snow falling outside and how easy speech seemed to be brought on those thoughts again. Lastly, scrolling through my Facebook feed seeing pictures of happy kids with Santa, kids participating in holiday functions smiling and engaged, and those darn elf on a shelf pics because even at three, their little ones understand the concept of the elf...and here comes the flood gates...
Damn it!! I thought I've been feeling so good and in a happy place regarding Autumn and her progression, but little moments like the above are getting the best of me. Why can't I just accept the fact that Autumn isn't like my Facebook friends kids? She doesn't give a shit about presents or Santa or making Holiday cookies! She may not ever care about the above and for a while, I was okay with that until it really hit me while driving home today as I questioned every messily thought pondering in my head: Why? Why do I care? Why again? Oh yeah now I know why...
My memories of Christmas time as a child growing up in Nashville, TN takes the cake. The holiday visits to Opryland hotel, picking out our Christmas tree, listening to classic holiday music, the cookie baking, the blue lights, mass and choir music, and the fun family gatherings. However, my favorite was the anticipation of waiting for Santa to arrive, falling asleep and then waking up my siblings and sneaking downstairs together to see the presents around our silver and blue decorated Christmas tree and goodness, oh how those short moments felt like magic! That's when my family was whole before the innocence of life was taken from each one of us with age. Oh how I miss those times so much.
Fast forward to now, adult Trish, who tries so hard to keep old traditions alive even though they feel beyond her reach. Having a daughter with autism who struggles with doing "typical" holiday functions isn't easy to watch especially when her mother lives and breathes "hark the herald angels sing". I know she's still young but I remember when I was three and celebrating Christmas. I remember it because it was our first Christmas in Nashville. It was also when this occurred:
So why does it matter to me so much? Because Christmas time and the memories of this time of year are probably the best memories I have of my childhood and life. I so desperately want my daughter to get to experience the joys of Christmas that it's a pain in my heart knowing that were just not quite there yet with her and I need to accept this and move forward without putting more expectations onto her, but I'm having a difficult time accepting this and I just don't know how so I feel stuck.
Even this past weekend, in all of my sick glory, we went to the Caring Santa event sponsored by Autism Speaks and even though I loved that something like this was being offered to special needs families, Autumn STILL wasn't interested or ready for Santa Claus and I knew that going in, but why did I have her go? Why did I try? Hope. Hope that maybe just exposing her to Santa and to Christmas/holiday decor she may have a breakthrough, she may start saying "Santa" or "Christmas" like she says the word "speech". Maybe she'll want to help mommy bake cookies this weekend or go pick out presents for loved ones or want to talk about the snow over some chocolate milk/warm cocoa. Hopefully someday. Hopefully...hope. The hardest part is not knowing when that "someday" will be and that's why this time of year is beautiful, but hurts for many families like mine. "We keep trying, hoping, shinning, praying for a miracle that someday will be on the horizon."
Until then, I will continue to try to make the best of our experiences together. I will continue with traditions but modify them according to what my daughter is capable of experiencing and call it a day.
That's enough for now. Here's our Holiday card that I made for this year. It's probably one of my favorite pictures ever. I absolutely adore it as this is a memory within itself. It may not be a Nashville Christmas, but it sure is magical!
Xoxo,
Trish
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