In addition, she really wasn't interested in petting the bunnies, but we got her to do that and of course it turn into picking up one of the bunnies by their ears. My cruel self laughed about it for a while once we got home because I'm a meanie but trying to shed some light on what seemed like a dull situation.
In addition, my husband came with us and this was the first real event that wasn't a relative birthday party that he's attended with us. For me, it was a typical day as I knew Autumn wasn't going to be interested in the kids, the games, the bunnies. It was more about introducing her to things and really, it was about proving a point. What point might you ask? The point is, why keep Autumn hidden from society and left out just because she may act/be "different" than some of the other children her age? Why not at least let her "try" without first giving up completely on the idea. I don't quit and I am never going to just not do something that could be fun for my daughter for the sake of potential judgment from ignorant people.
So to the hubby if you're reading this, that's why I signed her up and why we went today. I am also glad that you got to witness Belle like I do within a typical social setting. That's why I appeared "numb" to it all and not giving a crap, even smiling when Autumn threw herself several times on the floor. I didn't bat an eye because this wasn't my first time at the "Bellaball rodeo". However, it did break my heart and made me very sad looking at you and how heartbroken you probably felt during this morning's escapade. I could see the pain in your eyes, the embarrassment that your child isn't "like the others", the longing for her to be more "normal" and the relief it would be if she was more "like them". I too feel that way at times. You kidding, most days I feel like you do. I felt it a little today too but I remembered something and here's my "therapist mind" speaking to us both here:
She isn't distorted. She shouldn't have to be "fixed". We're the ones that need the fixing. It's our distorted minds and these expectations that do. Like the movie "Frozen" and that song: "Let it Go", we need to just let go of these perfect expectations that distort our perceptions we have regarding our daughter. Let's take away the autism for a moment. What do you see here? Tell me what do you see?
I know that my posts lately have been negative, over worrying, frustrated, hurt and in pain over the diagnosis, the label, the "bad characteristics", yet when I sit here as my love naps and look at her beauty and how my heart fills with peace and pride, how could my self-pity and hurt yet love derive from the same place? How hypocritical of me to put some of the above onto my daughter who, if she could just tell her story, her "journey", she would probably say that this is the life she wants and is happy, just for momma to give her more chocolate/candy and to stop yelling/getting mad so much at her when she does something out of fun or curiousity.
I realize this now and I know that my Pisces self will battle with my thoughts of embracing and wanting to change her into someone secretly I don't know if I want her to be. I go back to the princess part for a bit here. Aside from the tantrums and screaming that most children, who are we kidding, all kids her age do, seeing Autumn around other kids and her responses to when they say mean words or things doesn't phase her. She doesn't care (granted I don't think she understands) but what she has taught me is something I've struggled with all of my life: not caring and just keep fluttering regardless of what they say. Just like a true princess AND butterfly would be, Graceful and noble. Damn. Wow. Autumn Belle sweetheart, you just taught your mom a big lesson in life. Maybe instead of looking at your flaws, I need to learn from you to repair mine.
Xoxo,
Trish
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