Saturday, April 5, 2014

Trying My Best to "Embrace the Amazing"

It's been a week since I last wrote a blogpost. It's been one crazy week to say the least. Mainly because we've been busy with play dates, outings, therapies and the like.

Wednesday, April 2nd, was National Autism Awareness Day and we wore our blue proudly:

I took Autumn out for breakfast and we talked to some of the diners and waiters who were curious about what our shirts stand for. I told them love and acceptance. However, I still find myself (despite saying I'm in a place of acceptance) having a difficult time dealing with things associated with her autism. I'm trying my best to focus on the good things that little Belle is accomplishing, but at times, that negative wave pulls me back in and I'm stuck waiting out the set before I'm able to move forward again. 

It's hard, really hard, to NOT get emotional or sadden when you see your friends children, including those younger than your child, able to understand expressive/receptive language (have that back and forth conversation even if words aren't clear), able to go to places like the zoo and play "typical" with the other children at the playground, show an interest in the animals, and not meltdown/scream every time a new person tries to communicate with them. 

This past week was full of the above. It was a challenge for me to say the least and of course I can't help but wonder how "easy" it would be to raise just one NT child right now and how friends of mine who have "normal developing children", are fortunate. They have no idea what it's like to go through what parents of special needs children go through on a daily basis. Maybe if every parent on earth could care for a special needs child for a day they will develop more acceptance and have an understanding that it can, indeed, be a challenge. Then maybe the judgments would stop. This goes for so many different areas too. I'll just leave it at that.

I am sure that my expectations seem too high right now. The rainbow is around the corner (I'm hoping). She's not even three yet and things will come in time. I know this, but I can't help but have my moments when her autism pulls me down. It's unfair that my daughter has to work through the motions just to "fit in" with society's standards. Heck, it's unfair for all. Who created this "society standards" textbook? I'd like to know this. For instance, I met with one of my old professors/mentor this past week from grad school and she got to meet Autumn in all of her moody, sensory overload glory. She noticed that Autumn, yes "different" by society's standards, is a happy child. Why focus so much on having her become this "social butterfly" sort to speak?? Why do we do this to our children? She said, so what if they aren't "social" meaning having a ton of friends. Why do we care so much about that? I get what she's saying but I think the reason why we want children to know the "social rules of life" is so they grow up to become self-reliant, helping, secure individuals who don't go around committing horrific crimes. I think it's safe to say that ALL good parents don't want to raise the next antichrist or a serial killer. Anyways, my old professor said she's happy (belle) because of me and how I've been there for her each step of the way. That's the MOST IMPORTANT ability that a parent can possess: raise your children and be there for them every step of the way no matter how exhausting or circumstantial life brings. I don't know if that's true for me, but that was nice to hear from someone other than my husband or some of my friends. Plus I am sure that my being home with her and raising her myself has attributed to the "happy Autumn" most see in pictures (also it takes me like ten times to take a good shot of her in a pic). 

I'm trying my best to "embrace the amazing", even though I have moments like the above that bring out my self-pity. 
Even though it all sounds so negative, I truly am proud of my little butterfly. Most of the time, I'm happy that she is who she is and I don't what her to be like the rest. She does bring sunshine into my life like no other but for those frustrating times, there's always coffee in the morning, wine in the evening, and chocolate all day. Thank goodness for the simple things in life.  

That's all I have for now. 

Happy weekend all!

Xoxo,

Trish 

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