I know last week I expressed my frustrations with not having any time for myself and wondering what life might be like if I worked a full-time job. As of lately, these thoughts continue to consume me (has a lot to do with a toddler waking up in the middle of the night, climbing into our bed and thinking it's time to play..). To continue my rant/plea and end this torture, I wanted to share how I came to becoming a SAHM in the first place and how/why I'm currently struggling with trying to find a balance within my personal life as a mom and a counselor.
For those of you who don't know, I am a counselor by profession. I specialize in working with children and adolescents so when Autumn wasn't meeting her developmental milestones, I knew right away something else was wrong.
Counseling was never my first profession. It was something I decided to pursue when I was 25 after working a few years as an Office Manager/Bookkeeper, Jr Accountant and then as a Teacher's Assistant. If it was solely about the money, I would still be in Accounting. Heck, I might have gone back for an MBA, but that's not my story...want to hear it? Here I go.
To start, I've always had a job. Even in high school I preferred to work than to play sports or do extra curricular activities. There's just something about receiving a paycheck that was empowering. During my very young adulthood (18-20), I was that typical irresponsible worker who skipped work to hang out with friends or quit a job just because it "wasn't for me". I waitressed and had a lot of fun while doing so, but I went through more waitressing jobs than shoes but eventually I found my place working as an office assistant and then as an office manager when I was 20.
By the age of 21, I was living in my own little apartment, supporting myself, paying my own bills without relying on my parents for financial support, going to college (taking 12 credits per semester), all while living in NJ. I loved my office job and felt a sense of accomplishment. I took classes around the clock and completed 72 credits within two years in order to graduate with my Bachelors degree and make up for lost time (so I finished at 24 instead of typical age 22 bc I didn't count my first year of college in transfers, not bad). I was extremely proud of myself for getting a BA, with most of my credits completed while I was living on my own. I had once heard that I wasn't "good enough" to even achieve this and yet I did it (I love proving people wrong, I think Autumn has this trait as well).
As much as I loved my Office Manager job, I knew I wasn't going far so I decided to leave and work elsewhere making more money. This time around I worked as a Junior Accountant. I really enjoyed the place I worked at and even was the elf for our company Christmas party that year, but then one daly I woke up saying to myself, "what the heck am I doing with my life?" Was it a quarter century identity crisis?? I don't know, but what I did was the starting point that made me realize what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
I decided to work, making half of the salary I had, as a teachers assistant at a special education school (thank goodness for a supportive husband). I absolutely loved going to work and it really was one of the best things to ever happen to me career wise. It was working with this student population that made me decide to take the Praxis exam in order to become a teacher (I passed first try) and to later apply to graduate school (on a whim) to become a counselor.
It was the Summer/early fall of 2008 when I started graduate school and like many, there are those moments that you will never forget in your life, well this was one of them: sitting in my first graduate class (The Helping Relationship) saying to myself "wtf am I doing here? Holy crap 60 credits I need to take to graduate, I'll never make it." It's funny that now I can look back almost three years AFTER I graduated with a smile on my face. I indeed made it.
It was also during this time (2009) that at the school job I had, there were a lot of layoffs and unfortunately my position was cut. Thus, I got laid off. I was deeply saddened by this but walked away knowing I had helped make a difference.
Thanks to unemployment benefits, I decided to focus on graduate school full-time, even working for the college doing an apprenticeship in exchange for scholarships applied towards my tuition cost. I decided to double major in mental health as well as school counseling in order to have "more options" since the NJ LPC laws were ridiculous at the time.
Fast forward to the fall of 2010. It was my last year of grad school and it was also when I got pregnant with Autumn. Talk about career life changer. I graduated in 2011 with departmental honors at 32 weeks pregnant. I cried the day I graduated because I loved being in school. What was once an extremely intimidating place became my second home. I cried because I would miss my graduate colleagues and professors. I cried because being a student was where I felt safe even though I knew I was ready to work as a therapist or a school counselor.
That summer Autumn was born and I focused my time mainly on raising her. My first mental health job was doing per diem work/assessments for a private company. I really enjoyed it but the caseload was minimal. I also had a difficult time finding anything because the lovely state of NJ takes forever to grant one their provisional license and most places won't hire unless one has their provisional. I received my license (LAC) in January 2012. I still did per diem work for this company and focused on being a SAHM to Autumn since my husband worked two jobs (his choice) as well as snowplowed to make extra coin.
It was in April 2012 that I got hired at Careplus thanks to one of my grad friends who helped me get a job there. I have to say that working at Careplus was the best experience I've had to date. I worked there a year before leaving due to "bigger and better opportunities elsewhere" or so I thought. It has also been the worst career mistake I've ever made. I would do anything to go back to Careplus but what's past must stay there.
You're all wondering what my "bigger and better things" was right? Well I was given the opportunity to work literately two minutes away from my home as an outpatient therapist. I got paid very minimal but in exchange I would receive supervision and it was much closer than Careplus. This was my dream job right? Working as an Outpatient Therapist in my own office with a plethora of clients. For the first few months things were going well until May. Office drama and politics. I will save my breath and spare the details. This was also the same time that Autumn started EI and I had suspected other problems might be going on. My caseload was between 10-15 clients a week, which sounds wonderful, but it still wasn't enough money in comparison to Careplus or even my side jobs doing assessments. It was also becoming very difficult for me to do all of the above on top of still being a SAHM during the day and dealing with Autumns extra needs.
It was June when I ended my "dream job". It wasn't something I wanted to do, but it had to be done. Sometimes "the grass isn't always greener" and I learned my lesson there. As sadden as I was to leave my clients, I felt relieved because now I was back to focusing on Autumn's needs and also our move/renovations to the new house. I also received another work opportunity to provide counseling services outpatient once I was settled into the new house. At this point I was reluctant because Autumn had been recently diagnosed with Autism, her therapies had increased and I just wanted some time to settle into our new home, but I decided to take on this new opportunity mainly to make some extra cash and to keep my foot in the counseling door. I was happy I did, but as my clients no longer needed therapy, cases became less and I also wanted to try to find counseling work more local too.
Which brings me to where I am today. All of my clients have terminated from counseling because when you're good at what you do, plus there's excellent family follow-through, they no longer need you. The joke in my field is that it's the only job you want to be fired at by your clients because you've done something right (or your client fires you because you didn't "click", this happens often, only once with me bc I am a terrible marriage/couples therapist).
Even though it's only been a few months, I have my moments where I miss seeing clients and making money as we desperately need it (who doesn't). I am constantly looking for the next counseling job opportunity that's per diem, but am learning that things will happen when I least expect it. I can blame it on the guilt, my student loans, the need for more money and whatnot, but the truth is, I enjoy helping people and seeing clients when I can. I set out to obtain an education and work within a field that would allow me to make enough money to support my family as well if ever put in that situation. Taking a back seat financially hasn't been easy with my personality, which is probably why I struggle moreso as a SAHM than maybe others out there. I've always had a job or money coming in so naturally I feel inclined to continue this trend, which is why I started working per diem/part-time in the first place. Plus I can't help but feel guilty/bad that Matt is working 14-16 hour days when I'm the one with the higher education and the loans to boot.
Which brings me to the point: Do I just say eff counseling right now and focus 100% on being a SAHM or do I try to find that balance like I had going two years ago before her diagnosis, in-home therapies and constant 24/7 attachment? Goodness, looking back two years ago, things were easier, which explains the easy balancing. I suppose only I know this answer and will continue to flip flop.
I set out with a goal to have my LPC and a private practice someday but now I find myself still heading in that direction but with an alternate route: to be an advocate, a parent supporter, a community liaison for Autism acceptance and to be the best powerhouse mother I can be for my daughter. A career is just that, a career. I will not let it define me, I will define it my way, myself (I keep telling myself).
Despite the constant battles I have with my own inner working self, I don't have any regrets in being a SAHM. There will be a time that I will flourish as a therapist, maybe even go back to obtain my PhD but for now, I am learning to embrace society's proclaimed "second class job" and I'm doing it as best as I can. Belle's growing daily and in two years, five years and ten years from now, she'll be entirely different. Now will I look back and say to myself, "goodness I should've worked more while she was still small, I would've had my LPC sooner." Nah. I don't think so. I honestly think I will look back feeling proud, wishing I never took that time for granted, missing my baby girl at that age and all of the simplicities of life even though now they seem so large yet I guarantee I will LOL at my past self thinking, "really, you were stressed over that? Haha".
I became at SAHM because it's the best thing for Autumn and I would be a liar if I didn't say it's been the best thing for me too. I also often wonder that if Autumn didn't have any delays if my feelings regarding work/balancing a career and home life would differ. Yet, I don't think they would. Before Autumn, I thought I would be the career woman I always have been, but she changed me. She changed me before her diagnosis, before this new life. It was in that moment when I held her for the first time that I knew this is where she belonged and so did I. The thought of leaving her with a stranger never sat right to me. It still doesn't. Maybe it's my intuition knowing she needed/needs me and only me right now? Maybe it's my own personal fears and paranoia, but for now I am going to try and relish in my decision and enjoy this time with her.
However, I must state that I'm so grateful that I have this opportunity and I am able to still keep my foot in the counseling door at my own will as well as be home with my little girl. Not many families can do that. I owe much appreciation to the paycheck maker in this household because as much as I like to say that it's easier to "make a paycheck", it too comes with it's own set of responsibilities, stressors and obligations in which my husband has been through the gamut in correlation to the above. Thank goodness he "gets it" now and supports our lifestyle even if that means forgoing vacations, having less to fall back on and so forth. I thank him and love him for that. It's taken him two and a half years to truly appreciate what I do for our daughter and it's taken me this long to truly appreciate what he does for our family, even if I sometimes make it out as being easier or am just envious of him on days that I need some alone time.
Overall, regardless of what we "do", it comes with it's challenges. It's not as simplistic as it may seem and despite my own judgements and guilt feelings, this is the life I chose. I can't blame it on anyone else but me and right now, today, at this very hour, minute, I wouldn't change it for the world. I have this short window of opportunity to raise my daughter, my number one client, and know that when she no longer "needs me for every little thing", when she's ready to flourish in this world, that I did "my job" right.
Whew. Im glad that's out. Now you all know my work history and how it's led me to where I am today. For those who stuck through this reading, thank you. I owe you some wine 😊
Xoxo,
Trish
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