To summarize, Autumn has had a fantastic week despite recovering from that stomach virus. She's been more calm during her sessions and even around family this weekend she was engaged and not running around so much. Family relatives got to see Autumn on a "good day", which I am glad, but I hope they realize that it's been non-stop work to get her to become more involved with others.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of my daughter and all of the achievements she's been making lately, but I can't help that some days I just feel worn out. It's a 24/7 job being a mother, especially to a special needs child who requires extra needs and attention. I feel like I never get any time for Trish. Yes, I'm blogging right now as Autumn finishes up her waffles and eggs breakfast, but before breakfast was a Cinderella fest of making beds, more laundry due to leaky diaper, cleaning/washing up child and then making sure her routine isn't so loused up because she becomes irate if her morning routine changes at the slightest glance.
I made myself a cup of coffee around 7:30 and finally an hour later I am drinking it. So for all you naysayers who believe being a SAHM is this "glamorous life", I'll trade you for the day. Yes, getting the kids to school/daycare is probably the hardest part, just like getting out of bed to go to work, but once you're up, you're up and the day is young. To be able to socialize, have lunch dates, make money, and sadly, earn society respect because "you're doing something", is sounding pretty darn good right about now. Maybe some people are right: I should just put Autumn in preschool when she turns three so that I can have "my time", even though that sounds extremely selfish and I am coming from a bitchy place right now.
I chose to put my counseling career on hold to raise my daughter, how could I ever want "me time". That's not allowed right?? I feel that often times, working parents get to be their best for their kids. They've had all day to be elsewhere, which makes them appreciate the time they do have with their children, so when they come home from work, they don't have the draining feeling that comes from being the primary caretaker of a child/children all day long during the "witching hours of childhood".
Despite feeling worn out and really moody today, I won't do the above just yet. I feel so selfish and I am having a lot of time struggling with guilt for even thinking the above regarding "me time". I suppose this is normal for most people who are around the same person/others constantly. You eventually want some alone space and that's a natural okay feeling to have. The funny thing is that as a therapist, I would tell my clients to go ahead and do this. Heck, I promote self-help and care yet I don't even practice what I preach often because of my feelings of guilt and fear.
I know that I have time to work through these things, but I just wanted to share that I do feel overwhelmed at times, angry, resentment, where I wish I was a bird so I can fly far, far away (hence why I love to travel). I also know that in retrospect, my "me time" is coming as my daughter ages, but it would be nice if once in a while I can just go to the store alone or have the afternoon to myself to run errands. It would also be nice if the people in my life (cough husband cough) would see when I'm starting to feel worn down and to relieve me for a moment so that I can catch my bearings and come back feeling refreshed. Just because one makes a paycheck (I'm sorry but this to me is the easier route in life) doesn't mean they have full reign of not helping with child care-taking duties or household responsibilities when they come home. This isn't 1957.
It just angers me that the person who makes a paycheck gets so much more credit and respect in society, yet SAHM (dads too) are looked down upon and seen as "less" even though we do everything else, and more is expected from us because of the above arrangement. So alone time and "me time" is almost non-existent and sometimes us SAHM need time for ourselves, just like our spouses get "their time" because they "work so hard" getting paid to do a job. How do I or we SAHM get paid or even shown appreciation for raising a child/or children? Maybe that's the problem here. I feel unappreciated and "expected" to do everything regarding Autumn, which leads to the above feelings. It doesn't help that I have more on my plate because of Autumn's needs. So yes often times I feel alone and become a full-fledged monster by the end of my day because I am worn out from having someone constantly depend on me for everything. I feel like because of her communication/self-help delays, I still have an 18 month old. I am sure as Belle progresses, my nerves will ease along with my anger and resentment at times.
I also know that I will have that time back to exercise, have coffee dates with friends, lunch dates with coworkers (someday I plan to return to work full-time hopefully as a school counselor or an outpatient clinician), travel, and sleep in. It will come with age. I just have to be patient and stop feeling sorry for myself right now and jealous of my husband who is seen as the "hero" because he "provides financially for the family".
I read something recently about mothers always being needed and someday they won't be, which really helped put things into perspective for a moment, then I went back to wanting some alone time to take a shower or use the bathroom without an audience.
So for those of you who have chosen the life of a SAHM and especially for those of you who are doing this with a special needs child, how on earth do you stay grounded and sane? How do you get your "me time" (showers and going to the store doesn't count) and lastly, how do you ask for help from your significant other or family when you start to feel yourself becoming unraveled within the stressors of life? I hate asking for help so this is something I struggle with always. My husband has said to me that maybe the reason why I've been chosen to raise a child with special needs means it pulls me out of my comfort zone, thus having to ask for help or become dependant on others (additional therapies, special ed schools, etc). This is something I never had to really do throughout my entire life and something that I'll write about on another day.
Thanks for reading today. I know this sounded more like a bitchfest but I needed to get this off my chest.
Here's a cute picture to cheer you all up:
Xoxo,
Trish
No comments:
Post a Comment