This waking up in the middle of the night to the point of vomiting has become a weekly thing in our house lately. Not sure if this is normal for most, but her getting sick always makes me nervous. It's also frustrating because, like I said before, I don't always know why she's upset or what is wrong.
When we have a night like last night, I find myself having her sleep with us for the night despite how uncomfortable I sleep, because I want her close so that I can truly keep an eye on her "just in case" she wakes up screaming and purging.
Which brings me to the Topic of the Day: Cosleeping, my sleep confession.
I'm not ashamed to admit that Autumn slept next to me, in our bed, for the first 18-20 months of her life. Then she slept in her crib, right next to me, until she was 27 months old with middle-of-the-night wake ups of me moving her into our bed out of shear comfort. Even now at 32 months today (Happy 32 months baby girl), she ends up in our bed a few times a week, mainly because I want her there.
Attached much?! Yup. I am. I can't help myself.
Before Autumn was born, I never ever thought I would let her sleep in bed with us. I just assumed that the baby stays in their crib, in their own room, and when they are hungry or awake, you would hear them on the monitor and get up and take care of them. I had no idea what I was truly in for. Cosleeping started off as being a selfish act because the only way my newborn would sleep more than three hours between feedings was either next to me, on me or in my arms, and next to me in her rock and play sleeper. Since I was the only one getting up with her to feed her, I needed my sleep as well and so began a journey I swore I would never do while being pregnant. Also, Matt had/has no say in her sleeping with us bc he doesn't wake up with her and hasn't ever since she was born unless I yell at him for help when she's sick. He also gets his bed space so it doesn't affect him like it does my side of the bed.
I also had this bout of anxiety regarding her sleeping alone at night. Worried that what if she chokes on her spit up or that I wouldn't hear her even though her crib was right next to our bed. I bought the snuza halo when she was a newborn which took away those fears and I was able to sleep soundly next to her knowing she was safe. Oh the miracles of modern technology! Still, as she got older and too old to wear the snuza, what once became a selfish sort of act was my comfort as well. I suppose when I sit here thinking about the real reason as to why I've coslept with her for so long is because it eases my worries and anxieties. I know that she's safe next to me even though I never sleep 100% comfortable but hey it's a small sacrafice since she's right next to me nuzzled in my arms. I am sure the Sigmund Freud in me would have a field day psychoanalyzing my actions but for now let's leave it as I enjoyed this bonding time together especially since I didn't Breastfeed her like I had planned.
In addition, Belle was a "Velcro" baby sort or speak. She enjoyed being held all day, worn and being close. Most nights, still even now, she fell asleep on me first and then I would move her to her bed or our bed and she would sleep soundly with me close by. I suppose all of this co-sleeping messed up with her ability to take naps in her crib, as she never took naps there. She would only sleep in the car, one of the rocking/soothing gadgets as an infant or in her stroller or on me. Even now, she will only selectively nap in the car, which means I spend a lot of my time driving around and sitting in my car when she does nap on occasions.
When I come to think of why she enjoyed napping in the above methods it's all apparent: feeling secure and her need for input/pressure/squeezes. One of Autumn's symptoms of Autism is her need for pressure and input to help her cope with the world and senses around her. It's part of her sensory processing disorder. When I look back, it all makes sense. Even as an infant, she longed for input but in the form of hugs/being held and worn and the safely and security of her harnesses/straps of the rocker, stroller, and her car seat. Talk about a lightbulb moment flashing in front of me when I realized the above: thus she's always been this way. She also seeks her pressure with me the most. Here's a pic from today of her doing this don't mind the blurriness.
Which brings me back to co-sleeping. Did Autumn always need to be close or did I need to be close? I think it's both and I am glad I did and still do cosleep with her when she's not feeling well. Some will say that it's crazy that I've allowed her to sleep in our bed and that I never got her to nap in her crib but as I look back on those decisions, I don't regret them. I love being able to be the one to make her feel secure and safe and it will be a difficult day when I am going to have to let go of always being the one to be there to protect her from the world (that's an entire subject that I will post about eventually).
Overall, I understand that cosleeping isn't for everyone and it isn't something families do for years after infancy. Whether its fulfilling my daughter's sensory needs, securing her attachment abilities, or making me a little less anxious when bed time arrives and less grumpy when the morning arrives since I am Autumn's caretaker 95% of the time, I am proud to admit I coslept and that I did it because I wanted to not because of a trend or a movement, but because it has worked for us.
Here's to that Monday!
Confession post over!
Xoxo,
Trish
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