The following are questions that plagued my brain over the course of the past few months: "Why God? Why her? Why us? Why does she have Autism? What did I do wrong? Is it my fault? I feel like it is!"
Why change this beauty? She's already changing on her own terms.
I would often think to myself that I did everything right while pregnant. Took the best prenatals, ate healthy, exercised, heck, I was preparing my body for pregnancy six months prior to getting pregnant! At one time, I couldn't help but become disappointed and overwhelmed with guilt as well as pain for feeling like I caused her to develop Autism somehow. Whether it was a genetic mutation (recently read elsewhere) or not, I blamed myself for so long that I was in such a negative rut that it paralyzed me to enjoy the present. I put Autumn's diagnosis on me and only me, as if her having autism was a reflection of poor parenting and again it felt like I failed her. Once her diagnosis sunk in, I continued to blame myself like I could've prevented it from happening. Like trying to stop a car accident from occurring as a passenger. Yet the above was "crazy talk". It is!! I know this now! I sounded so full of crap and feeling sorry for myself for something I know the I didn't cause. It just is and despite trying to avoid her becoming autistic with delayed vaccinations, organic homemade babyfood, practicing many attachment parenting techniques, and being her one and only caretaker 95% of the time, she was born this way.
I've learned, and yes this is from John Lennon, "life happens while you're busy making other plans", couldn't be more true here. I had to go through the grieving process to get to the point I am currently at in my life in regards to Belle's diagnosis. Now will I ever re-experience some of these feelings? Sure. I'm an imperfect human. I will have my moments.
So over the course of the past seven months, I went through the five stages of grief regarding Autumn and her diagnosis as the following:
Denial: "No this isn't true, she'll grow out of it. Autism doesn't run on my side of the family. She'll be fine. It's her ears."
Anger: "it's Matt's fault. It's my fault. I hate this life. Why? Why? Poor me pity party. It's bullshit that other people can just have kid after kid and they're perfectly fine. Thanks a lot God, this isn't fair! Stop bitching about your normal kid, I'll trade you any day!" Lots and lots of anger I had.
Bargaining: "I'll do anything to get that first year back, I shouldn't of had that epidural, I should've Breastfed her longer. If I get her as much therapy, give her all of my time, attention, put my career on hold to focus on raising her, then she will have to grow out of some of her symptoms. It can happen right?! After all, I caused this so I have to fix it myself, no help from anyone. She's my responsibility." (I am a stubborn ass I know).
Depression: "I don't want to be around anyone right now. No one "gets it", I feel isolated and alone. I can't even look at other normal children without feeling upset. Can't believe this is my life, her life, our lives. I am sad, I feel hurt and pain. I feel like a failure."
Then finally the last, Acceptance.
This, my friends, is where I'm currently at regarding Autumns diagnosis and the journey were on together. I'm learning to accept this life and how the plans I had hoped for my daughter have indeed changed, but a change that's uniquely perfect for us three (four if you count Leah).
So what if she never does things like "everyone else". So what if it takes her longer to communicate or if she's obsessed with the alphabet rather than a silly plastic doll. So what if she would rather prefer to watch signing time or pocoyo for the thousandth time over a cute Disney movie. So what if we may never be able to take her on fancy vacations or have her be a part of a structured class because frankly right now, I have to tell myself this daily, she's only 32 months and has the rest of her life to grow into the person she was born to become (Talk about being irrational as a parent and setting expectations too soon).
I'm learning to not rush the above and to embrace each and every moment with my daughter and to not compare her to everyone else, which has been my biggest challenge to date. She is my one of a kind, a perfect match for me, and even if her Autism was caused by my genetics or some environmental factor, it is what it is now. It's not something that's crippling. Sure, she will be faced with challenges and just to excel at certain tasks may be more difficult in comparison to other children, but I will be there the entire way standing next to her. She will never walk alone.
Lately, I've been hearing this a lot from others: God only gives us what we can handle. I am sure the saying is true for each one of us. Sure, my raising a child newly diagnosed with Autism may seem like a challenge to some, but it isn't my entire life. If God felt like I was up to this challenge, well God you must think we're worthy enough to have been able to take care of such a special child. You see the light she's brought into our lives and despite all of the tough moments, the good always prevails. But isn't this parenting in general? Parenting for all? I am no special or different from the rest. I'm learning that. I am just a mom to a little girl who happens to be slightly different from the status quo.
Once I went through the motions of acceptance, I've learned that there's no going back. No more questioning the "what ifs". I am done torturing myself with such irrational thoughts and beliefs and I should know better than to do this. There will be no more putting the blame on anyone as to why Autumn has Autism. There's only love, acceptance and moving forward towards tomorrow.
One of my favorite lines sayings lately is the serenity prayer, which is used often in AA but it can be applied to life in general:
"God gave me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Here's to tomorrow.
Xoxo,
Trish
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